Review: Frogs

Frogs (1972)

Do you want to see the Stranger from the Big Libowski as a smart mouthed naturalist warning a bunch of rich ass holes from the dangers of amphibious revenge? Of course you do! Starring Sam Elliot, sadly not starring his glorious mustache, Frogs is a deliciously ham-handed environmentalist cautionary tale about respecting nature and the dangers of commercial pesticides. Mr. Elliot plays Pickett Smith, a freelance photographer and naturalist who is canoing about in the swamp taking pictures of wildlife (some of which is actually indigenous to north american swamp land) and pollution and probably crying a single Indian tear. He runs into some rich jerks in a speed boat and they knock him into the water, sort of accidentally. They take him back to their big jerky rich house full of other rich jerks who are there to have a rich jerk party. He tries to call his editor to let them know all his camera stuff is at the bottom of the swamp, but wouldn't you know it, the phone in the big creepy house in the remote location doesn't work. What a shame. Well he meets the whole rich jerk family and is shocked, SHOCKED to see their complete lack of respect for nature as they causally talk about poisoning the entire swamp because it is moderately inconvenient to them for the weekend they are hanging out there. I do declare. Smith non-chalants his way about the island the house is seated on in the bayou, casually respecting nature until he finds a dead guy. Turns out he was one of "the help" the extra crochety wheelchair bound patriarch of the family sent out to murder all the noisy frogs. When he reports back with this news no one really seems to care. He warns them that nature is about to take its revenge, but of course they don't listen and soon family members start getting offed by some very crafty reptiles. The people who work for the rich jerks figure out its about time to leave and try to escape but its a little ambiguous if they do. Its about this time you start to wonder what the frogs are gonna do, all the murder to this point has been from lizards, geckos, snakes, and alligators, and possibly some birds. It will come together in the end, as ribbity doom will eventually hop on in and take the master of the house. I have to wonder something else about the movie though, the grumpy old man in the wheel chair reminded me a lot of the big Lebowski in The Big Lebowski, and since Sam Elliot is in this as well I really have to wonder if he wasn't the inspiration for that character.

Lets enjoy a couple Dead Green Frogs, shall we?

equal parts
Rumple Minz
Kalhua
Green Creme de Menthe
Bailey's
Vodka

Its a lot of ingredients for a shot so its easier to shake up a batch and pour out a couple. Shake up all that creamy green stuff with ice and strain into shot glasses. It's exactly what you want in the hot-as-balls swamp. It is sort of like a mint julep, except grosser and might give you warts, and not really like a mint julep at all. But it will make it easier to bare your annoying relatives through the family reunion, you only have to placate grandpa through a few more birthdays until he croaks and you get all his greenbacks.

Review: Pieces

Pieces (1982)

College campus terrorized by a serial killer, cops cant find out who it is as they try to track down the murderer. This one of the movies that I feel helped built this cliche, and its as fun as a movie about this should be. Plenty of gore and sex, and enough goofy dialogue in between. The whodunnit aspects of the movie are fun as well with enough red herrings that I actually kept guessing, mostly as to how much credit of originality I should give the movie. The version I watched had some awkward dubbing, but I think it helped my experience of the film. The killer in the movie is going after young women specifically, and in a rather sexual manner because of a crazy event in his childhood which the movie opens with. I clearly was inspired by other early slash movies like Halloween and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This is really fun movie that should be in anyone's short list when discussing 80's slashers. I cant really say too much more about it because I kind of want to keep this review relatively spoiler free and there are some pretty awesome bits towards the end when the movie comes together.

Lets get ripped up for this shlocky romp with an

Absolute Chainsaw

1/2 oz Absolut Vodka
1 oz Wild Turkey
1/2 oz Jagermeister
1 can Natty

Pour the three douchey liquors into the nearest red solo cup and pour the douchey beer on top, because we need to get wicked drunk for this bloody rager, don't forget to pop your collar and lube your chainsaw.

Review: Phantasm

Phantasm (1979)

Phantasm basically has the same plot as Plan 9, that is aliens are stealing human corpses because of reasons. The film centers on young Jody, a boy of 13 and his older brother Michael Baldwin. Their parents died some time ago, and at the start of the movie so has one of Michael's buddies. Michael Baldwin seems to act like taking care of Jody is a total drag, man, and cant wait to get back "on the road". Soon things start getting weird, because this really tall guy in a suit and some Jawas start fucking with Jody Baldwin. However, the creepiest thing about this movie to me is Michael Baldwin's other buddy, the balding ice cream truck driver with the pony tail. He is so slimy and has a really odd relationship with the young 13 year old Jody. I almost think this would have been an even better movie if all the weird supernatural/sci-fi stuff was a fabrication of Jody's mind to cope with all the shit he has to deal with. Actually at first I wasn't sure the kid wasn't just seeing things, his brother definitely doesn't believe him at first. This is the kind of movie with odd pacing and direction of the plot that actually adds to the tension. We aren't really sure what it is gong to happen next because it keeps throwing really weird paranormal shit at us and then going back to a late 70's after school special about hanging out with your older brothers friends. The main ghoul is this tall creeper who can change his appearance, which opens up even more doubt as to who to trust and who is really themselves. I really feel like I need to watch this movie again to really get it, but it did intrigue me. I had to return it to videodrome last night so a second viewing will have to wait, but I will return with a more in-depth report on it when I find the time.

Corpse Reviver

1 1/2 oz Brandy
1/2 oz Fernet
1 oz White Creme de Menthe

Pour ingredients into a glass with ice, stir lightly and strain into a cocktail glass. Will bring anyone you want back to life, be sure to have a child sized brown cloak for them as they will be tiny and gross after reanimation.

Review: Freaks

Freaks (1932)

I first heard of this movie on another horror review website, so I thought of it in my head as part of the broader genre of spooky movies, but really it is unfair to call this movie "horror". I dont believe the overall point of the movie is to scare, although there are some things that could be shocking and the climactic scene is creepy as all hell, but overall this is actually a really touching story about misunderstood people. The film is about a group of circus performers and living sideshow attractions and the various love affairs and . It is incredibly humanizing and touching to see the interactions between these characters. The sideshow folks have their own family and are very protective of their kind. The true antagonist in the film is one of the non-freak circus performers who is taking advantage of one of the little people and his feelings for her. His fiancé who also shares his stature and Bavarian heritage is so heartbreaking in this as she stands by him even as he ignores her. This is a must-see for fans of any and all cinema. It is ahead of its time in the respectful and warm depiction of people who are marginalized into being a curiosity but without being patronizing or taking pity on them. And besides all that its just a really well put together and engrossing movie.

Share a laughing cup with your friends and family

Pour a little of each wine or whatever bottle everyone brought into the biggest goblet or bowl you have handy, pass it around so everyone can take a swig while chanting the following " one of us! One of us! Gooba-gabba gooba-gabba!" We're all freaks on the inside.

Review: Basket Case

Basket Case (1982)

Basket Case is about two brothers separated after birth, that nevertheless remained...quite close. However, their relationship is often strained and blood-stained. Duane Bradley was born with a deformed conjoined twin; their birth caused the death of their mother, and the scorn of their father. Eventually, their father paid some doctors to remove the more unfortunate-looking boy, but it was an off-the-books surgery. The twins didn't much appreciate this gesture--all grown up, they decide to go track down the doctors that performed the surgery in the big city to "pay them a little visit", as the kids say these days. The city holds a lot of distractions for someone as sheltered as Duane, though, and his little buddy grows jealous since he can't quite get the same satisfaction. The movie does a great job at characterizing the brothers and is actually quite touching at times despite less-than-stellar acting. There is an inescapable charm about this movie, and the feelings of jealousy and protection between the brothers felt really genuine. It functions very well overall, creating a balance of tension and comedic relief. I really liked the puppet and stop motion effects of the deformed brother, Belial, and found it actually really freaky at times. Easily the best scene is right at the end--which I really don't mind spoiling because it really is that great--where we're afforded this perfect piece of visual poetry. I recommend Basket Case for anyone who likes the lighter side of horror, or just loves anything really weird.


Enjoy with a nice--

Flaming Little Brother

2oz Kaluha
1oz Vodka
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
1 dash of vanilla extract
1oz 151 Rum

put the first four ingredients into a blender, and mix them good. pour into a glass and pour the 151 on top, then carefully light it on fire. Insert two straws and suck it down with your closest bro...

Review: Chopping Mall

Chopping Mall (1986)

Chopping Mall basically combines several things that were popular in the 80's: Robocop, slasher movies, and shopping malls. This shopping mall has purchased a set of new security robots to patrol the building at night, that will incapacitate any intruders. They have safety features that should prevent them from coming after mall employees, but of course they get hit by lightning and that control system malfunctions; of course, they go on a murderous rampage. This rampage happens to occur whilst a group of teenagers that work at the mall decide to stay overnight and have a party at a furniture store. The movie follows some of the general cliches after that--the janitor (albeit he was white) gets killed first, the kids drink and have sex (thereby calling down the old testament judgement of the slasher movie gods), and the really nerdy couple that does not hook up at the party end up living. The movie also is reminiscent of Dawn of The Dead, since the group ends up smashing lots of windows in the mall and there are lots of scenes in which they gear up to try to fight the robots. The heroine shows plenty of competence with firearms and definitely holds her own against the robots, which was fun to watch. There is also a great head explosion, a couple good one-liners, and the robots actually look pretty cool. The soundtrack is really great--the perfect kind of 80's synth but with a manic, goofy quality that really fits the mood. It's a really fun movie that combines lots of elements of other 80's movies and is definitely worth a viewing or two.

Boom! Head Shot!
dash grenadine
1/2 oz 151 Rum
1/2 oz Grand Marnier
1/2 oz Midori

put booze and ice into shaker, strain in to shot glass, violently dash in grenadine being sure to spill some on the bar. then throw it back hard, like a laser from a robot exploded your melon all over the place. optionally, throw the contents of the shaker at someone's face and pretend it exploded (read: cheesy effects).

October Horrorreviewpalooza Part 2: Electric Boogaloo: Parents

Well, it is once again the fucking greatest time of the calender year--the time where all the junk food has orange and black packaging, people on social media are complaining/praising the existence of various pumpkin-spice-flavored products, and there is quite possibly already Christmas shit out, too, despite the afternoons down here still being like 80 degrees. In short, it is October--the month in which I choose to celebrate every day as pumpkin-bat-ghost day. Which is really just my tenuous justification for watching entirely too many horror movies. However, I will not have quite enough time to watch and write reviews about as many as I did last year; instead I will shoot for five a week. Four will be new to me and one will be a classic, as I am introducing my lovely, glorious, voluptuous, perfect (Ed.) gal-pal to some horror cinema staples.

Well lets go ahead and jump in with:

Parents (1989)

Never in a million years would I have believe I'd be this creeped out by Randy Quaid. Billed as a dark comedy satire of the 1950's, Parents creates a twisted vision of a Norman Rockwell family sitting at the dinner table to a meal of "leftovers" where Mom's mystery meat is... uh... well, its fucking people. It is really not that gory, but there is an awful lot of meat being chopped, seasoned, ground, and fried; with the implication that it is human, it actually becomes really gross. While I can immediately see where the humor in this is intended to be, the mom joyfully milling about the kitchen preparing classic Betty Crocker cookbook recipes, with cheesy 50's Library music playing in the background, with the added implication that it's human meat coming out of the grinder...was actually really off-putting. The cinematography here is very interesting actually, and I was taken aback by the surreal, tense, and generally uncomfortable tone achieved here. There is some humor present--a few Dr. Strangelove-esque jokes poking fun at the whole military-industrial complex, and a couple sight-gags. The main things I found uncomfortable in the movie were the kids. This specifically was discomfiting, because you would think the family's little boy would play the role of the "Alice", the normal character that the audience connects with and reacts to all the crazy shit. Um...in Parents, this is not the case. Our little protagonist is creepy as shit. He might even be creepier, though in a sad way. When he comes to school and shares with his teacher and guidance counselor the glimpses of the evil his parents commit, they assume what's going on is a more common form of child abuse or that the kid's got some psychiatric disorder. I am not entirely sure if this misdiagnosis was supposed to be funny, but it was mostly just unsettling, as was the thought of cannibalistic parents preying upon a child. The other child character, a little girl, is pretty heart-breaking as well--the abuse she faces at home from an alcoholic mother (which is never actually shown in the movie, but is clearly hinted at) seemed disturbingly real, and I really felt that plot was a little inappropriate for the genre of movie I thought I was watching. The level of tension was higher than I expected, and it never really broke in a satisfying way. The surreal, dream-like film style, mixed with very unsettling themes of child abuse, took the foreground for me and I couldn't quite chuckle as much as I wanted to at the satirization of the prototypical White American 50's family. By the way, the implication here is that the Suburban-American dream came from the subjugation of other people in some manner, and therefore is a form of cannibalism. I feel like I really want to like this movie, and I would suggest it for people with a strong stomach and a sense for black humor and satire; however, the one viewing I've had of it thus far was actually a rather uncomfortable experience. 

There is a lot of drinking in the movie, but Gibsons and wine are too elementary. This off kilter, kinda gross movie needs a kinda gross cocktail:

The Bloody Bull

2 oz Vodka

2 dashes of Worcestershie Sauce 

2 oz beef buillon 

2 oz tomato juice 

Shake with ice and serve in a glass with a lemon wedge. Make sure you make enough for when you have the neighbors for dinner.