Review: The Gorilla

The Gorilla (1939)

This is an incredibly hard movie to review, or easy. Yeah its easy, because its basically a three stooges rip-off about a guy in a gorilla suit who may or may not be murdering people and three bumbling detectives trying to figure out what is going on, and who fail miserably. That's really about it. Don't know what to say. Its only about an hour long

Just take three shots of whiskey and put on another movie...

Sorry this one sucks...I'll make it up to you one day.

Review: Curse of the Demon (Night of the Demon)

Night of the Demon (1957)

A black and white mystery flick about an American psychologist sent to Enlgand to investigate a demonic cult. The last guy to investigate this cult met an untimely end from a mysterious accident. In fact the first thing we get to see is the dude get wasted by a rad demon puppet by dropping some power lines on him and frying him. The American, Dr. John Holden, is very skeptical and basically spends the whole movie denying and trying to explain away the mysterious things the cult leader, Karswell is doing. Karswell doesn't directly do too many evil things, he mostly tries to protect himself. The focus of the movie is on a spell that comes from runes drawn on parchment which kind of works like the black spot in pirate lore. The last person to touch the parchment receives the demon's curse and will be killed by him next. The demon effects are pretty cool, although the youtube upload I watched this on wasn't of the best quality so it was hard to enjoy them too much. The movie almost plays out like a noir, with the fedora wearing detective/psychologist walking around night-time London and English countryside alike chasing clues, leads, and being generally surly about it all. Towards the beginning of the movie Karswell tells Holden that he is cursed and has until the 28th of October (Hey that's when I watched this! How 'bout that?). Holden blows this off like all the other claims of magic at the begenning, but we slowly start to see him change his mind, and as he gets deeper into the occult underworld we see the fear in him grow. Its pretty cool movie with mysteries, magic, and demons.

A good movie for a dark and stormy night

Dark and Stormy
2 oz dark or black rum (Kraken)
1 bottle Ginger Beer (try to find the alcoholic kind, if possible)
lime

Fill a glass with ice, pour on rum, then pour in the ginger beer, squeeze the lime and drop it in. Put on your best black robe and recite the ancient incantation: Asmodeus Baphomet Belial.

Review: Possession (1981)

Possession (1981)

This is not the movie I reviewed earlier this month, although they do have some things in common, like themes of family and divorce. In a way the weirdest part of this movie is the first hour, which is still well grounded in the mundane, its just the over-the-top dramatic responses from everyone and odd behavior coupled with the cinematography. The story starts off with a Sam Neil coming home from some sort of long business trip, which we quickly learn had some sort of clandestine nature. His wife isn't terribly comfortable with him being there, it seems as though they have drifted apart while he was away. Things quickly deteriorate between them and their very young son is caught in the middle. He begins to suspect there is another man, and he is right to think so. Eventually it comes to them splitting up, with much screaming and violence. Its a frantic movie, and the intense acting walks the narrow line between comical and disturbing, often slipping a toe to either side. We are never entirely sure of the mental state of anyone in this movie, except maybe the little boy. He is actually probably the most sane person in the whole movie. Also the movie takes place in divided Berlin during the cold war, which is a very important piece of symbolism. I don't want to describe the plot too much, because I really, really want people to see this movie. The second half is where things get really crazy, although people's tempers get calmer... sort of. I will say that the most important part of this movie is symbolism of division, two halves, pairs, etc. You will pick up on that, but I love the way it is implemented, with the Berlin Wall in the background. I am going to probably post another article breaking down the symbolism of the movie at a later date after I watch it a few more times. The movie remains very engaging, keeping you guessing. I think this movie had me saying "wtf" as much or more than anything else I have watched this month, but in a good way. If you are expecting gore or violence, just stick around until the second half, I promise you wont be disappointed.

Contemplate the nature of duality of the film with a good ol' Black and Tan.

1 Can of Guinness
1 Can of Bass
A Guinness glass
A spoon

Tilt the glass and pour in the Bass first, fill it to half way. Set the glass up straight hold the spoon over the mouth of the glass, upside-down. Pour the Guinness over the upside spoon, slowly. This disperses the Guinness and lets it float on top of the lighter-colored beer. Let it settle, you should have the dark floating above the light. As you drink, muse over the ying and the yang, male and female, light and dark. Try not to freak out either.

Review: Audition

Audition (1999)

Its probably also surprising that I haven't seen this one yet. I have been familiar with it though, so maybe that's why I am a little underwhelmed by it. The classic story of a middle aged man looking for a new life to spark up his life. An awkward proposition enough, but more so in Japan with what I assume is more intricate or at least awkward dating norms. His friend in the movie business suggests a way to get around this by holding auditions for a fake romance movie so he can basically interview all these hopeful, unknown, aspiring actresses. This way he gets to meet a bunch of talented and attractive people and pick who he wants. Clearly you should see where this could turn into a problem. Well he finally settles on this brokenhearted young girl who's younger dreams of being a ballet dancer were smashed by an injury in early adolescence. Also she is kinda creepy. Despite his friends warnings about a hunch about the girl he starts dating her. We get one quick glimpse into her life that shows that something is kinda fucked about here, and we get the probably infamous "bag scene". Already the guy is kind of a creep for dating someone close to his son's age, so I cant feel terribly sympathetic to him. Around the midway point of the movie they go off together for a little trip, and things start to get weird. We see she has some intense scars on her legs, and she asks him to love her and no one else, because that's not a red flag at all. Right as they start to bang there is a very fast cut and now its some time later in the room and she is gone. We aren't supposed to know what has happened. He starts looking for her, checking up on the couple of contacts she mentioned on her resume. We start to suspect there is something pretty fucked up indeed about her indeed. Before he heads home, dejected that his new love has up and left him already, and is probably a basket case, we get a POV shot of someone lurking in his house. He goes home and pours himself a drink, but we already know its been poisoned, now we get a very confusing series of flashbacks that I am still not 100% sure are completely "real" or what order any of it is implied. This is where the movie starts to get interesting finally but now it gets far more confusing too with its very disjointed story telling and disorienting editing. I cant say this is bad, just confusing. We get to see the girls tortured, abused past, and the fucked up shit it has led her to do. Some of it is pretty gross, and it would probably be disturbing for most people to watch. When he snaps out of it he finds that he is paralyzed and she is there. She slowly starts to set up her little torture routine on him, while she monologues about trustworthiness and faithfulness and honesty. Typically crazy bitch stuff. Its also hard to feel sympathetic for her, which sounds harsh, but something about her character comes across as really in-genuine to begin with. The torture scene is terribly graphic, but my standards at least, but I will say its well done. The best scene in the movie is at the very end, where she is laying there on the floor staring at him, also paralyzed after falling down the stairs and breaking her neck, and she continues her monologue again with her neck bone jutting up from the side. The general idea is clearly that she was so abused as a child that she turned into a monster who tortures and kills men in a form of revenge, or some way of making up for her mistreatment, basically. I cant help but feel that this movie expresses some fear of Japanese men in making developing relationships. There is some kind of theme of disconnect between the sexes, but I am not entirely sure what the point the movie is trying to make. I cant say that the movie is incompetent, but it wasn't very enjoyable for me or even really that scary. I found it had a lack of atmosphere and it really built more confusion and maybe awkwardness for me than tension.

Why not enjoy an awkward movie with a Shochu Schoolgirl?

3 oz Shochu (Japanese Barley liquor, you could use sake or plum wine I guess if you cant find any)
3 oz Midori
lemon juice

Pour the booze into a tall glass with ice and squeeze of fresh lemon juice, stir with an acupuncture needle skewered through a lemon wedge and a cherry for garnish. Optionally you could serve it in a dog bowl...

Review: Resolution

Resolution (2012)

I'm very happy I finally got to watch this movie. I had heard about it when it came out but couldn't find it at first, and then forgot the title but had kept my interest so it was even harder to find. When I asked people about "that movie where that guy chains up his friend to detox him off meth and a bunch of weird shit happens to them" no one had a clue what I was talking about. This is that movie, and that is basically the plot. The one character receives a map and a video of his friend smoking meth and shooting guns and acting kind of crazy. He decides to go out there to help him, to try to bring him to rehab one last time. When he refuses to go he decides that his last chance is to chain him up and let him sweat it out. But it wont be that easy when all the other weird people show up and weird stuff starts to happen. As the friend from the city starts exploring the area he starts finding lots of strange things: records, film, pictures, of people doing things that he assumes are stories and some of themselves. I cant give too much away, but its a tight and engaging psychological thriller with a lot to say about friendship and depression. While there is some heavy shit going on it remains thoroughly watchable between the mystery going on and the hope for the happy ending. Vinny Curran also brings a certain amount of humor to his role as the junkie to keep things from getting too heavy, while remaining convincing and sympathetic. Like I said, I cant go over this too much without spoiling things, but I want people to watch it so I talk about it. I will be watching this one again, I could tell there were detail I missed. I feel like it probably took some inspiration from the mystery alternate reality game web series' that were popular a few years ago, like Marble Hornets. If you want a smart movie that will keep you guessing until the end, I really suggest this one.

I feel like this movie needs something to keep you awake, acute and aware, like, uh...

Lucid Lucy

2 oz Absinthe
1 oz Rumple minze
1 oz Goldschlager
red bull

Shake up the liquor and pour into a highball glass with ice, then fill with red bull. A sort of take on a Ball and Chain but amped-up and with absinthe instead of Jagermeister. Probably a pretty dangerous cocktail and I wouldn't suggest more than one.

Review: Red State

Red State (2011)

First off, don't make the assumption I did that this is about communists and possibly a cheap version of Red Dawn. It has nothing to do with that by "red state" they mean ultra-conservative. Had I actually momentarily paused on its netflix profile to see that Kevin Smith wrote and directed it I would have watched it much earlier.This is an incredibly difficult movie to review, and kind of a difficult movie to watch but its rewarding. The movie starts off focused on a couple of high school kids, and we get introduced to the antagonists, a cult-like group of religious fundamentalists modeled on the Westero Baptist church. The kids in the class are discussing how this group was protesting the funeral of a gay student who was found killed recently. The main three kids in the movie break for lunch and start talking about this website for casual sexual encounters. All the pictures of the girls on the website have their faces censored out with smiley faces so we aren't sure about who they are about to go fuck. They head out to go do this borrowing one of their parents' cars and accidentally hit another car on the way. This mostly serves to start upping the tension. Finally they get to the address and see that the woman they were about to triple-up on is a bit older than they expected, like approximately their mothers' age. I don't want to give away too much from here, but the real movie starts rolling from about here on. The next thirty minutes are some of the most tense, uncomfortable, and enraging that I have experienced watching a movie. I don't really want to describe everything that happens in too much detail, but the focus of the movie shifts to the members of the crazy church. Michael Parks does an incredible job at playing the leader of the church, and gives a long sermon filled with the kind of crazed, backward, ignorant, homophobic bullshit that is incredibly effective because you know somewhere out there are a lot of people who think that way. Meanwhile these high school kids are trapped there terrified by whats about to happen to them. The things they say in this made me uncomfortable in a way I don't necessarily want my entertainment to make me uncomfortable, but I kind of have to applaud the movie for doing it. I have to give credit to Kevin Smith's writing as well. At about the point where I was thinking of turning the movie off John Goodman comes in to save us all from breaking things to release the frustrated anger. He's sent in as an ATF agent to lead a raid on the church compound because they have a ton of guns and they shot a cop earlier. He isn't quite the shining hero, as he is under dubious government orders. Before I get even deeper into spoiler territory, because I really think you should watch this, let me start to wrap this up.

Red State definitely preys on several topical themes that are very well utilized to push peoples buttons. It is incredibly tense and borders on disturbing because of its realism. Its such a well put together movie that I have to recommend it, but I cant say it will be a very fun ride for most of it. As for the drink recommendation I had a couple ideas, either a gay themed drink to spite the antagonists of the movie or something playing on its ultra-conservative crazy pantsedness. I decided to just use a classic,

The Jim Jones
1 oz Vodka
1/2 oz Blue Curacao
1/2 oz Peach Schnapps
1/2 oz Sour Apple Schnapps
1/2 oz Razzmatazz
splash sprite
splash sour mix

Shake with ice, pour into a glass, or dixie cup. Drink the Kool Aid. You will probably need more than one to temper the outrage.

Review: Attack of the Crab Monsters

Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957)
Too many sea monster movies yet? The confusing thing about this one is that barely makes any use of probably the main reason to even make a beach monster movie: chicks in bikinis. Doubly weird is that its Roger Corman who is usually not shy about showing us some ladies. Instead the cast is almost entirely dude scientists. Its not bad though, well I mean its still entertaining, and its mercifully short at barely over an hour. It starts off with this crew of people coming ashore to this island, one guy falls out the boat and we get a quick glimpse of one of the crab monsters before they pull his headless corpse out of the water. We don't even know who these people are or what they are doing (except that one of them is the Professor from Gilligan's Island) before one of them gets killed! Corman doesn't like to waste time. They seem to be far less concerned than you would expect by this, and continue on with their mission, although we still have no clue what it is. This one fat french (I think) guy starts talking about how quiet it is there, and says something about talking to the voices of the people that used to be there (foreshadowing). I'll skip ahead to the part where they tell you each one of these guys and the one gal is a scientist in a different field and they are there to study the effects of radioactive fallout left over from an H-bomb test. What a simpler time this was. There was also another team there before them but it has since gone missing. The quickly realize that apart from seagulls and crabs there are no other living animals on the island. Time passes and they start hearing strange sounds at night, and eventually disembodied voices. They start trying to investigate and realize its all coming from giant crab monsters. The rest of the movie follows suit with them trying to survive which means killing the hungry hungry crustacean. The monster effects are awesome and its pretty great how it talks to them with the voices of the dead scientists, mostly trying to mock them. Its a fun little popcorn movie, an almost textbook example of hokey 50's atomic critter flicks.

We need something quick and dirty, just like Corman would do, something like an:

Atomic Crab Claw Shot

1 oz Clam juice (I'd use crab juice but I think that only exists in the Simpsons)
3 oz Vodka
1 oz Blue Curacao
2 oz warm clarified butter

Shake the first three ingredients with ice and strain and pour into a shot glass. Pound that shit down and chase it with clarified butter before you start hearing the voices. After you vomit you can wipe it up with your ascot.

Review: Blood Surf

Blood Surf (2000)

This movie is really stupid. I know that might be shocking, because normally movies about large animals eating people are really deep and nuanced. After the credit sequence the film starts off with a pair of surfer dudes, a douche bag TV producer and their Aussie camera-babe who have the ever so intelligent idea of inventing a sport they want to call... wait for it... blood surfing and film it for a tv documentary. I do want to mention that my favorite character is one of the surfers who is basically a skinny Guy Fieri who is really endearing at how much of a stupid douche bag he is. But what exactly is blood surfing? Its surfing with sharks of course! But your probably asking yourself now, isn't there a huge crocodile on the poster? Yes there is, and that's the joke. There is a very specific spot they want to do this, a particular body of water somewhere north of Australia inhabited apparently by sharks and south-east Asian stereotypes, but they need someone to take their dumb asses their because despite living in the area and sporting a Hawaiian shirt their chartered asian sea captain doesn't know how to get there. First we meet a very surly Australian sailor who says he wont do it, but he has as a bat-shit crazy American girlfriend who decides to awkwardly dance around the bar to really bad techno music as a way of changing his mind by annoying him into submission, apparently it works and he gives them directions to the island. Also that dancing scene is pretty incredible, not because it was in any way sexy, but in the way Brah Fieri reacts to it as if he is watching the single greatest thing in the history of the world. They set sail with the captain and his family, including his hot daughter who is coming on hilariously strong to Brah Fieri despite him being a total imbecile. They arrive at the place and start chumming the water to attract the sharks, which works. But that's not extreme enough for these dudes, oh-no. They cut open their feet to get the sharks that much more interested in them specifically. Now you can really get a sense of the level of intelligence we are dealing with here. They do their thing with some rad surfing shots and some really bad compositing of shark footage. After getting to the beach without getting bit by sharks they notice something big in the water and an explosion of blood and water as the croc eats one of the sharks. They decide to call it a day and they pair off and head into the jungle to bone, except the nice Asian couple. They get eaten by the giant crocodile. Because fuck them apparently. The daughter gets eaten too. Then they start fleeing into jungle from the thing and run directly into a camp of pirate rapists but are saved by the Australian guy from earlier. Unfortunately my favorite character gets eaten around this point and my interest started to go down-hill from here, despite the pace picking up. They spend the rest of the movie trying to kill the croc, but at some point they decide it would be a good idea to crash the boat so they can go back to the trap-infested rapist pirate island because somehow that's safer than just driving the boat back to someplace with a friendly navy. On the way back to the island the obnoxious tv producer gets eaten and no one bats an eye. Now that they are back on the island, which conspicuously now looks like miniature golf course with all the Styrofoam ruins and vines, they can spend the rest of the movie running from the awesomely bad animatronics and trying to figure out how to kill it in a series of adventure cliches including rickety rope bridges, crumbling ruins, and swinging vines. In the end it just kind of falls on a sharp rock and dies. I kind of rushed past through the last two acts, but i don't want to spend all night on this movie. Its a five-movement symphony of stupid, these have to be some of the dumbest characters I have ever seen, and I'm not entirely convinced this was supposed to be a comedy. I kind of expected cartoon sound-effects to go along with all the stupid shit they do in this movie. I went back and started watching it again as I wrote this, its impressive at how dumb it is. About the only thing that would have made this movie dumber was if they were cannibals in grass skirts instead of rapist pirates. I cant help but suggest this movie, although I don't really want to, maybe just to get a second opinion.

Ease the pain and confusion with a Bloody Surfer
.5 oz Midori
.5 oz Blue Curacao
2 oz  Grenadine
1 12oz bottle of Smirnoff Ice
Crushed Ice
This drink is as loud and colorful as your shirt, and so sugary it will make you puke on your flip flops. First spike your hair and put on your best Hawaiian shirt, but dont button it brah let the babes see your waxed chest. Fill half a Collins glass with the smirnoff ice and crushed ice, then try to layer the other ingredients in with the grenadine on top, be sure to flip the bottles around like an asshole while you do it. But then fuck it all up and just shake everything up in a Boston shaker and pour it into a tiki glass with an umbrella. Those are cool again apparently. Hopefully now everyone will mistake your stupidity for drunkenness, brah.

Review: At Midnight I Will Take Your Soul

At Midnight I Will Take your Soul (1963)

The first of the Coffin Joe films, horror icon from Brazil. This is my first time getting to see any of these movies but they have been on my radar for quite a while. Directed by and staring José Mojica Marins as the cavalier and rambunctious Zé do Caixão or as we know him: Coffin Joe. Joe is an undertaker in São Paulo, at least I think its supposed to be there, it is filmed there. When he isn't busy with his funerary duties he is busy berating the superstitions of the local people, bullying them around, cutting their fingers off, poking out their eyes, torturing women to death with poisonous spiders, raping women, and generally being a kind of a dick. The movie opens with ol' Joe waxing philosophical about life and death to the camera, which sets up his motivation for the rest of the movie; you see he just wants a son to carry on his bloodline. The problem is, his wife is barren, so he doesn't seem to see the point in her living anymore. He kills her and spends the bulk of the movie trying to get with this other girl named Terezinha. Terezinha, like most of the town doesn't want anything to do with him. And you cant really blame her, despite having an awesome beard, top-hat and cape ensemble he's a pretty mean dude. He isn't all bad, there is one scene where he yells at a father for abusing his son, because having a son is the one thing Joe really cares about which gives the character more depth than you would expect. Yeah he is still a dick, but he isn't just a malicious tormentor, he is an overly confident man who has probably seen so much death as an undertaker that he is desensitized to it and he has become obsessed with the continuation of his bloodline, meanwhile he has also forsaken religion which ultimately leads to his downfall. It plays a pretty obvious, but functional dichotomy between his obsession with blood and his neglect and scorn of the soul. The movie has serious balls for showing all the gruesome and violent shit that it does. It didn't have to deal with any of the censorship organizations in the US as it was made in Brazil. I'm not really sure when American audiences would have been able to see it until its vhs release in 1993 on Something Weird Video. The Coffin Joe character would appear or be referenced in numerous films in the 60's and 70's but the only other ones that star the character are This Night I'll Possess Your Corpse, Awakening of The Beast and 2008's Embodiment of Evil. For a clearly low budget movie there is an awful lot going on, keeping you engaged throughout mostly just in shock that a movie this old can depict some of the brutal things it shows you. If you have any interest in film history I suggest checking this one out, and you can do so on youtube! When you do, why not make yourself a...

Nail in the Coffin
2 oz Cachaca, a Brazilian liqour made from fresh sugarcane juice, you can sub white rum in a pinch
2 oz Kahlua
2 oz Amaretto
Crushed ice

Fill an old-fashioned glass with crushed ice, pour all the booze in over it and stir with a rusty nail or a sliver of sugarcane. Be sure to curse God and the heavens while you stir your drink, best enjoyed in a cape and top-hat.

Review: Spawn of the Slithis

Spawn of the Slithis (1978)
A drive-in sea monster flick that takes heavy, ahem, inspiration from Jaws and The Creature From the Black Lagoon. The film starts off with the beast terrorizing the coastal community of Venice, California including dogs, bums, disgruntled husbands, etc. The plot, or at least the parts with talking revolve around a journalism teacher trying to figure out what's going on with all these strange attacks, he eventually meets up with various scientists who have discovered this stuff they call Slithis. Slithis is not the monster (that would be the spawn of Slithis, duh), the Slithis is organic "mud" brought to life from radioactivity leaking from the local power plant. Supposedly this sludge while feeding on other trash and dead fish started to form itself into a more stable structure taking on the characteristics of the stuff its been eating. What we get is a rubber fish-monster suit attacking folks in really poorly lit shots. Also there are a lot of goofy POV shots that I think were filmed with a bottle against the camera lens. The monster suit definitely takes some inspiration from Creature From the Black Lagoon but a little more bulky and slimy, it's one of the highlights of the movie for me personally. Eventually the reporter guy meets up with a fisherman who has a weird way of talking. I think they play it off with him being Jamaican but he doesn't have an accent, really its more like he just uses phrases I would expect from a beatnik, stoner-psuedo-intellectual. His is one of the few memorable performances along with the crazy, over-acted mayor. We get see the monster kill some people, a car driven off a dock, some boobies, and an awful lot of bad cinematography and editing. If you could somehow sit in your parked car at home and watch this, well without driving it into your living room, I think that would go a long way to enhancing this movie, its the kind of schlock that begs to be half-viewed through a steamed-up windshield or at least through beer-goggles. It is available on youtube so feel free to give it a shot, if any of this sounds appealing.

On a scale of radioactive chum sludge to fish head soup, I give it two dead dogs on a beach.

I'm also going to start suggesting alcohol pairings for these movies
Enjoy with a "Slithis":
1 can Shlitz lager (a shandy size is best)
1 tin of sardines
sea salt
Open the sardines first then rub rim of the can with juice from the sardines, then throw the sardines away or give them to your cat because no one really eats that shit, then roll the edge of the can with sea salt like a margarita glass. Open the beer, and place it in a brown paper bag and enjoy.
A beverage with all the greasy, salty charm of a fishing trawler, equally enjoyable by both dockworkers and hobos watching the drive-in from the edge of the woods.

Review: Creature

Creature (1985)
A complete and utter rip off  homage to Alien, but a really fun one. Two competing corporations have been exploring the solar system in the near-ish future. One makes a discovery on the moon Titan of some strange containers that can only have been left behind by an alien species. Well it breaks open immediately and starts wreaking havoc, then a quick cut and their ship slams into a space station. This is just the beginning. The company sends another team back to investigate further. Between a not-so-smooth landing and electrical storms on the planets atmosphere running interference on their computer systems the crew is already in a jam. By the way the crew is a typical assortment of older almost-tough-guy engineers and scientists and 80's babes. They make a couple discoveries, that there is a nasty alien life form about to eat them all, and that there was a crew from the rival, German space company there to investigate just prior to their arrival that also got got. They meet one survivor from the German expedition who wisely advises them to blow everything up and fly the fuck out of there. It takes the crew some time to get their ducks in a row, the plot stresses their dangerous condition because not only do they have this alien thing to deal with but they are running out of air and power too. Also the alien is capable of talking over peoples bodies, so their are sort of zombified slaves. So the movie also takes liberties from The Thing as well. One of the worst/best things about this one is the sound design, as the sound effects for the space ship operations are taken from a mixture of much older sci-fi movies and serials, video games, and Star Wars. I should mention though, that the sets are fairly well done, and the acting is really not that bad and it has some pretty good moments in it. We get 80's haircuts, some gorey kills, perky 80's tits, some funny moments like the German guy grabbing the ass of the female security officer while they are both in space suits, a pretty good looking alien costume that in no way took heavy inspiration from H.R. Giger's xenomorph designs, and a really great final moment that I don't want to spoil, but it might involve flying dragon kicking an alien with a bomb strapped to it out of an airlock and then shooting it. It's still on Netflix as of reviewing this, so I would recommend pouring a drink or two and giving this one a shot.

Review: Assault of the Sasquatch

Assault of the Sasquatch (2009)

Bigfoot double feature! Wells sort of, meant to squeeze it in yesterday but I had social obligations. This film has way more big foot mischief and murder than The Untold. This is exactly the kind of thing you want from a Bigfoot movie: cheesey, humorous, low-budget, monkey-suit mayhem. It starts off with a group of bear poachers hunting bears for their paws to sell on the black market as aphrodisiacs in China. I liked the guy using a slice of pizza as bait in the trap. Very soon they find something they weren't expecting and the Sasquatch kills off the other poachers. The leader of the trio of poachers is a grizzled old asshole who has some pretty funny lines throughout the movie. After finally tranquilizing the Bigfoot and putting it in the back of his truck he is arrested by park rangers and taken into the city (I believe this is supposed to be in Jersey) to jail. From here we get the b-story about the family of one of the rangers who made the arrest and why he had to leave the city police force. This exposition is cut in between scenes of the Sasquatch escaping the truck and wandering around the city getting into trouble like stealing a drunk guy's pizza and watching a girl shower and stomping her tiny dog. This kind of thing continues for a while until the cops realize there is a Sas' on the loose and also the poacher and another criminal. Everybody is hunting everybody and as folks are knocked off by the Sasquatch eventually it boils down to a final battle between the poacher and the Bigfoot. Its a fun movie, tongue-in-cheek but not quite cartooney. It's low budget for sure, so the acting is forgivable and the Sasquatch suit actually looks pretty decent. This is a fine monster movie, somewhere on the level of the made-for-tv syfy specials but with practical effects.

Review: The Untold (Sasquatch)

The Untold (Sasquatch) 2002

Now I do love me some big foot, but this movie is pretty forgettable. A rescue party is sent out in search of a plane that has gone down in remote forest country of the American Northwest. The survivors have been dragged off and presumably devoured by a sasquatch, but the search party doesn't know that yet. The search party contains your usual mixture of tough-guys and bumbling idiots and bimbos, lead by the father of one of the plane passengers who happens to also own some big bio-tech corporation played by Lance Henriksen (Bishop from Aliens). There is a subplot about him trying to find some prototype DNA reading machine that was in the plane. Most of the movie is the search party bumbling through the woods bitching at each other and the two tough-guy guides slapping each other with their dicks trying out alpha-each other (metaphorically speaking). The sasquatch is at least well hidden from the camera, in an attempt to keep up suspense with a lot of POV shots that make me think he might actually be a Predator... that might be the real reason Henriksen is there, I cant remember what the company he owns is called but it might as well be Weylend corp. I'll admit I barely paid attention to this one, the dialogue and performances are pretty forgettable, and the action doesn't pick up until the 50-minute mark which is pretty slow for a movie only 86 minutes long. Turns out the bigfoot was mad because when the plane crashed it hit a tree which fell on the big foots kid or mate or something. This is not the fun big foot murder-romp you want, they try to play this out as a sort of serious environmental movie about animal rights and family, not that you couldn't make that work, but this attempt falls totally flat.

Review: Machete Kills

                                                       Machete Kills (2013)

Since this movie is still in theaters I will try to keep it as spoiler free as possible, but its going to be difficult. Machete kills is an extra-large everything burrito of awesomeness: full of shark-jumping action, hot babes, bloody violence, one-liners and general absurdity that will leave you with heartburn and bloated...
but in a good way.

Me and this movie

The movie opens up with a grindhouse style trailer, just like this franchise started with. The movie is Machete Kills Again... IN SPACE. Danny Trejo running around a space station, lasers, lightsaber machetes, its a blur of absurdity and it turns into a carrot in the stick that carries us through the rest of the film. Not that we need any motivation, the action picks up immediately and it does not let up. I had some reservations coming in, I had a fear from the trailers that this would be a series of goofy cameos of shock-value celebrities with terrible sight gags and little action, like some sort of  "____ Movie". All my fears were unfounded, this movie is busting at the seems with action and inventive violence. Lets be clear, you're not here for plot or clever dialogue, you are here to see people get merc'd, stuff blown up, and bad asses crack-wise. I will say that we have strayed pretty far from the lo-fi, punk rock, dyi grit of the grindhouse however, not that Rodriguez has ever really been known for that style. I don't think he is capable of thinking on that scale anymore, not since Desperado. We are firmly planted in broad-scale, cornball action of the 80's and 90's pushed to the extreme. If you mixed The Running Man with the Brosnan Bond movies you would have a starting point for what this movie feels like before it starts snorting cocaine off hookers while riding a motorcycle up a ramp of dead ninjas into the air with sparklers in each hand (this doesn't actually happen, but its about the only thing that doesn't). If you ever thought that the first Machete was lacking violence or focus on Danny Trejo, these qualms are fixed in new movie. Every scene is focused on Machete and the blood just keeps flowing. The computer visual effects are actually kind of bad, but I feel like it was intentional and actually adds to the movie. The celebrity cameos are brief and work fine, although I really missed seeing Cheech Marin who is conspicuously absent except for a flicker of a flashback to the first movie. Without going into the details the end does indeed imply the next movie is going to be exactly what we saw in the trailer. I'm going to go see this movie probably two more times this week. It's really stupid, but it knows that, it's played for comedy and at no point does it even entertain the thought of playing anything straight. It's almost Rodriguez making fun of himself. To use the phrase that I have said quite often: its not good, but sure as fuck is awesome. 

Review: Kill, Baby... Kill!

Kill, Baby... Kill (1966)

Kill, Baby... Kill! is another gothic chiller from Italian director Mario Bava, the second of his I've reviewed this month. A doctor is called to a village in the country where superstition still rules every day life. He is there to perform an autopsy on a dead woman who has died under mysterious circumstances. The villagers protest to this and see it as a mutilation of her corpse. The doctor is equally aghast at the superstitious practices of the villagers as they try to ward of the ghost of the baroness's daughter. The movie has a great feel to it with rich sets and awesome cinematography with some pretty inventive scenes, but I don't want to spoil them for you. Assuming you like Italian Horror or Vincent Price style gothic theater than this is a great popcorn flick for a dark and stormy night.

Review: Virgin Witch

Virgin Witch (1972)

Ok, so the images from IMDB have nothing to do with this movie for starters, the poster I uploaded is a little more appropriate to the movie. You know those occult torture-porn rape/revenge movies from the early 70's? This isnt one of those. It will make you think it is, and make you keep thinking it up until the end. Really its a soft-core porn movie where they talk about witches and shit. I couldn't really follow the plot, but from what I could mostly seemed it was just about some horny chick and her sister trying to take over a coven of witches, while the previous head priestess has a lesbian hard-on for the lead girl. Also they're into photography or something. It keeps your attention with boobs, but it grinds on and on with nothing else really happening. Although it does have a lot of nudity and some style, I'd say skip it. It's not even that hot unless you really like awkward 70's lesbian make-out scenes and naked old people dancing in circles.

Review: The ABCs of Death

The ABCs of Death (2012)

Ok so ABC's of death is an anthology project with each letter being tackled by a different group of filmmakers making a short film themed with a word starting with a certain letter from the alphabet. Overall I was kind of exasperated by how weird or kind really stupid some of these were. Only three or so really stood out to me as being really good, and it was kind of a shame for them to be mixed in with a lot of these which I really hated. The majority are horror-comedy or just dark comedy, or just stupid toilet humor, or just really fucking weird. I'm going to go through each letter briefly, without giving too much away.
A- meh
B- pretty good
C- ok, simple, cute premise
D- one of the stand-out's, it has a satisfying twist
E- meh
F- Goddammit Japan
G- boring
H- Goddam Furries
I- pretty tense
J- Goddammit Japan
K- stupid
L- one of the most fucked up, but actually tense and not just annoying
M- quick and fucked up
N- funny, classic comedy bit gone violent at the end
O- just weird
P- well done, tragic and tense
Q- I lol'd R- I didnt really get the symbolism or something, kind of wanted a little more explanation because I was intrigued and left hanging.
S- ok
T- hey look, more toilets and poop.
U- ok
V- probably my favorite, crazy, distopian, brutal
W- fucking weird, but kind of funny
X- ok
Y -just kind of weird, but ok I guess.
Z- GOD DAMMIT JAPAN!! So to tally it up, there's about 9 that were worth watching, about 8 that were meh, and another 9 that I really disliked. That's not really a great ratio. I would skip it overall, I kind of wish segment V would just be its own movie and was just longer, maybe not even feature length but a good 30 minute short film. If you really want to watch the whole thing anyway I suggest that you skip any of the shorts that start to be annoying or boring, because they dont get better at their ends.

Review: Gamera vs Jiger

Gamera vs Jiger (1970)

US Title: Gamera vs Monster X
Yep, its a Gamera movie. If you've never watched Gamera he is a giant turtle that can fly by tucking his arms and/or legs into his shell and then jet-propels himself. He also breathes fire and is friend and defender of all children. The monster he fights in this movie has some interesting powers including firing spikes, a "super ultra violet light ray", and injecting baby monsters into Gamera with its tail. These movies were meant for children in mind, which I always thought was kind of odd, because on average they seem to be a little more violent then Godzilla movies. For example this movie, Monster X, or Jiger, fires his spines through Gamera's arms and legs preventing him from withdrawing them into his shell and flying. That was one of the more clever parts of this movie, also when the children drive a submarine into Gamera to find the Jiger's monster baby that is making Gamera sick. If you like rubber monster battles like I do this one has more of that and less talking, so I liked it.

Review: Pontypool

Pontypool (2008)

Pontypool is a zombie movie, but with very little zombie in it, its mostly about a talk radio DJ and his producer and assistant hunkered down in their radio station. The thing that makes this different from every other zombie movie is that the people are infected not with a virus in their bodies but in their minds by repeating words. The movie plays with the idea that language being mimetic is infectious like a virus, and that ideas and meanings behind words are infectious, but it specifically and almost contrary, the infection is caused by the repetition of a word until it becomes meaningless and the victim goes crazy and starts trying to kill people. This churns into a mass hysteria, but we don't really get to see too much of it since most of the action is played out in our minds as we hear it phoned in (literally) to the radio station. The drama plays between the characters in the radio station as they try to make sense of what is going on and how they can use their position to help people. I didn't really enjoy this one that much, but I don't want to say it was a bad movie. I applaud them for taking a different approach and trying to breath more life and intelligence into the zombie genre. I do like the idea of building the analogy of infectious ideas that spread like a zombie plague, but I'm not a fan of how they implemented it. The way it infected only words of the English language didn't really make sense to me. Also the part where they are repeating words over and over until they don't make sense, but then the way its defeated is by thinking the word means something else was a little weird, and it was never really explained how that would travel from person to person through exposure. That and the guy's voice sounded too much like Space Ghost which took me out of the movie a little. Overall it was an interesting idea, but the details of how they implemented it didn't make sense to me.

Review: Session 9

Session 9 (2001)

A group of asbestos cleaners get a contract for an old, abandoned mental hospital but the place seems to have another toxic residue besides mold and asbestos. The production value is really high for a movie that didn't get very much publicity. The real star of the movie is the set of the Danvers State Hospital in Massachusetts. This place alone is ripe for your imagination to wander through the decaying walls. There is plenty of great shots of the rotting building that build the palpable tension, the idea that the air itself is toxic ads to the tension. Everything comes together to make for a very effective psychological thriller. The movie doesnt have very many "scares" but does build tones of tension through-out its length as questions keep appearing and scattered answers fall like peeling paint. It leaves you asking the right kind of questions even after its over and lets some of the most disturbing pieces play out in your mind. There are strong themes about insanity, the capacity for violence in everyone, and things being left behind in the past not being gone. I have a feeling I will be thinking about this one for a while.

Review: The Marsupials (The Howling III)

The Howling III: The Marsupials (1987)

An Anthropologist tries to track down werewolves in Australia, which are really Tasmanian wolves (also sometimes called Tasmanian tigers, a real species now extinct of predatory marsupial). It might be surprising to you that a movie about Australian were-supials is really weird and goofy; its also really Australian but that only accounts for part of the weirdness. Easily the most (only) terrifying thing in this movie is bizarre baby were-supial thing and the scenes involving it crawling around in it's mother's pouch, they made me a little... uncomfortable. There is a suspicious lack of gore and violence, which I'm guessing has something to do with Australian censorship. The movie is weirdly edited and paced, with uncertain jumps in time and a confusing and abrupt change in the direction of the movie in the last act. The first act is pretty awesome, full of the kind of silly 80's monster movie stuff you would expect moving at lightning pace. Lead actress Imogen Annesley also makes the movie worth watching because she's really hot, in a Natalie Dormer kind of way... at least when the movie isn't focusing on her hairy marsupial pouch. The main problem I have with the movie is instead of leading up to an intense last-stand between the fugitive lycanthorpes and the police/army like you would think, we get a rather self-indulgent set of scenes of werewolf children growing up and mostly being accepted into society. I was kind of hoping for Ozploitation version of Dog Soldiers, not really sure what I got but I think I liked it.

Review: The Possession

The Possession (2012)

A little girl becomes the victim of a vicious demon from the ancient Hebrew world, set over the backdrop of a newly divorced family. I have to wonder why demons tend to possess little girls, I guess its just because they seem the most vulnerable to any kind of corruption. I was definitely sympathetic to the family, I thought their performance was very good, although I found the mother's character a little frustrating (pretty sure I was supposed to). The movie was definitely pretty creepy at parts, and I liked that the demon this time was from Hebrew mythology. I found it refreshing to dip into a different pantheon. I had heard about this one quite a while ago, glad I finally watched it.

Review: Mark of the Devil

Mark of the Devil (1970)

Corrupt witch-finders terrorize an English village during the height of witch hunting days. This is a classic witch hunting movie with plenty of gruesome torture. While most of the superstitious paranoia in this movie remains effectively disturbing, some of the absurdity of the (like believing marionettes are tools of the devil) is played for laughs. Over all I'd say its on par with The Conqueror Worm, and although this one lacks Vincent Price there are some good performances here, the character Albino being especially memorable. Also, I recognized a lot of the audio from this movie from being sampled in the album  Dopethrone by Electric Wizard. I really enjoy this type of movie, there is something really stylish about them that I dig, not really sure what that says about me psychologically...

Review: Black Sunday

Black Sunday (1960)

Mario Bava's atmospheric, gothic chiller with a gruesome streak. A nobleman's family is haunted by the curse of a witch sentenced to a torturous death. Super atmospheric, the movie captures the feel of the classic Universal horror films as well as delivering the kind of occult torture scenes and sadistic religious inquisitors that seemed to be popular in the 60's. I thought the film was pretty stylish, the haunted castle the film takes place in feels huge, like something from Castlevania. Mario Bava always incorporates really great visuals in his movies, so even if you can't dig the dubbed dialogue you could add your own soundtrack of some doom metal or some other dark tunes and imbibe in your favorite way and still have a good time.

Review: The Innkeepers

The Innkeepers

Are you in the mood for a spooky ghost story? The Inkeepers focuses on the two clerks who work at a hotel that's going under, who pass the time trying to prove the presence of the paranormal. This is a slow-burn movie, taking its time to build up the tension, with a few jump scares sprinkled through until the climax. Over the last weekend of the hotel's operation the duo take turns working and investigating with cameras and voice recorders looking for ghosts. They also start learning about the last guests staying at the hotel and their mysterious backgrounds. I really liked Sara Paxton's performance as the very believably awkward and vulnerable Claire. She has a relatabley mundane life of a young 20-something college drop-out along with her male counterpart both are trying to find meaning or substance in their lives by trying to find the ghosts at the hotel, and then things get bad for them. I definitely recommend it for people who like creepy atmosphere and subtlety mixed with a couple jump-scares. This is my first time watching a feature from director Ti West, I heard good things about him from this and The House of the Devil but I didn't really care for his segment in V/H/S. I enjoyed this so I'm going to have to see House of the Devil.

Review: Shakma

Shakma (1990)

Roddy McDowall (Planet of the Apes) in a movie about a group of grad-students and their professor playing a live action role playing game in a locked-up science building, when a failed experiment turns a baboon rabid and sends it on a killing spree. They use a real monkey too. That's really all I should have to say to convince you to watch this one. Its just great to see a unique idea, you have these kids in a locked up tower treating it like a dungeon, and unbeknownst to them there is a real critter on the loose trying to kill them. Its pretty cool to see a real animal being used as monster, and not just a puppet or a guy in a suit. Not that I have anything against those, and speaking of which its great to see McDowall play opposite a real monkey. Its a fun romp with a little gore and some good laughs. Check it out.

Review: Ju-on: The Grudge

Ju-on: The Grudge (2002)

Probably surprising that until now I haven't gotten around to seeing the original "The Grudge" movie. Somehow I manage to overlook Japanese horror (as opposed to Kaiju flicks which I adore) but that's a mistake I will be correcting from now on. Ju-on is pretty creepy, and kind of sad. The presentation was a little chronologically disjointed which was a little confusing at first, but really probably the best way they could keep the suspense with a fairly straight-forward ghost story. I feel like there is underlying theme to the movie about the lasting effect of tragedies on the community, which I imagine would probably be a lot stronger of a theme in an eastern culture. As the haunting effect touches more people through the movie it evokes a sense of communal loss and hysteria as it claims more victims. I got a sense from the movie that "your neighbor's problems wont stay their's". I dunno, I liked it.

Review: Strippers vs Werewolves

Strippers vs Werewolves (2012)

You probably wouldn't expect a lot from a movie called "Strippers vs Werewolves", and you would be right not to but it does at least have a lot of strippers and some werewolves. The really weird thing is that they are all British as this takes place in London. Makes sense for the werewolves, but I didn't know they had strippers in England. Shows what I know. Hopefully they don't actually dance to any of the terrible music that they do in this movie. There are quite a few decent gags in the movie that had me laughing and a little bit of good violence. It definitely leans much more on the comedy side of the horror-comedy axis. Somehow they got Robert Englund for one scene, and his is easily the best performance in the whole movie. If they got him to be more involved in the movie it might have actually been kinda good. You might also recognize the club owner, Sarah Douglas, as Queen Taramis from Conan the Destroyer. If you ever find yourself drunk and flipping through netflix, and if you associate with me you probably do, its worth checking out.

Review: The Mummy's Curse

The Mummy's Curse (1944)

This will be my innagural review for the project I have started, the goal is to have a review for a horror movie I have never seen before for each day of the month of October. Its mostly for my own amusement, but maybe I will get some of my friends to see some movies they otherwise wouldnt.
We are going to kick it off old-school with 1944's The Mummy's Curse. This would be one of the last original Mummy movies made by Universal, and the last time Lon Chaney Jr would wear the bandages for the role. The oddest thing about this movie is that its inexplicably set in the Louisiana swampland, where the previous two movies were set in New England. But it means we get to see 1940's stereotypes of Cajuns which is kind of entertaining. Its definitely not the best iteration of the plodding mummy looking for his undead girlfriend formula, but it has some fun moments.