October Movie Challenge Reviews 2017 Part 1

So, I am trying once again to do the October Horror-Movie-A-Day challenge. I am doing two things differently this time: first I am allowing myself to watch movies I have seen before, so that I don't burn out and miss out on seeing some of my favorites. I will also be a bit briefer on giving my thoughts on each movie and lumping reviews together to make cataloging my efforts easier.


ParaNorman (2012)

Starting off soft with this family friendly spook-o-mation affair. I adore this movie, this is the third time I have seen it, the movie is beautifully animated in stop motion, without being flashy and self indulgent. The movie's characters feel surprisingly grounded and real, by the standards of animated kid's movies. The movie is actually pretty dark, not nearly as goofy as you would think, including some actually tense scenes and some effectively weird and off-putting visuals. It is not without levity with several legitimately funny scenes. I guess I'm being a little defensive of this movie, but I feel like I need to be. This movie has never gotten that much recognition, I feel it falls between the cracks of being not nearly as lighthearted and silly as the animated features of say, Dreamworks, and also it is easy for mature audiences to give it a pass. It has just as much heart as Nightmare Before Christmas, even if it lacks a bit of the whimsy. ParaNorman excels and is memorable by virtue of the thoughtful way it wraps up and subverts expectations, but without spoilers, with love in the face of fear. They could have so easily divulged into a bunch of kids vs zombie antics with home-alone type mischief. Instead the movie reaches out a hand and attempts to understand something difficult and something most children films shy away from. While it comes recommended I would suggest it for those kids old enough to handle some legitimately scary, but not gory, scenes and at least some semblance of emotional maturity.


Kingdom of The Spiders (Rifftrax)

Shatner vs Spiders is one of those good ol, so bad its good affairs, or so I am told. I really couldn't recommend the film without the addition of Rifftrax. Its mainly boring, the last 20-15 minutes finally picks up, but the hour leading up to that just has Shatner wandering around some ranch sets in a cowyboy hat looking at tarantulas. The film lacks any laughable effects since it just mercilessly uses real live spiders on its shots, and the absurd dialogue and over-acting is kept to a minimum. The riffing from Bill, Kevin and Mike is on point however and carries this movie. With a group properly refreshed and un-sobered you could have a fun evening with this, even just laughing at any arachnophobia friends' squirming at all the tarantulas on Kirk's back.







Microwave Massacre

Speaking of boring terrible things. Microwave Massacre immediately evokes an idea of an out of control gore-fest of organs exploding in microwaves and faces in blenders. Instead we get a guy who looks like schlubby 70's cab driver (supposed construction worker) being berated by his wife into eating "fancy cuisine" that consists of canned peas artfully arranged on paper plates instead of the baloney sandwiches he craves. Terrible acting and dialogue is occasionally interrupted by un-funny gags about sex in situations both unbelievable and unconscionable. Eventually our main character is fed up with his shrew wife and after murdering her off screen she turns into various department store mannequins parts wrapped in aluminum foil.  Im not sure what the point of this movie was. There was not enough sex for that to be appealing and what was there was just gross, there was less gore than in Star Wars, and the comedy falls flat. While most genres done poorly can be funny, bad comedy is often just painful. I will confess we did not quite finish this one, and I am not convinced I need to. Pass.

Thus ends part 1 of, I dunno like 10? This month's experiment will be more relaxed than other years; I have a lot more to deal with theses days after all, but I do have fun doing this. Hopefully you enjoy reading it.

Review: Frogs

Frogs (1972)

Do you want to see the Stranger from the Big Libowski as a smart mouthed naturalist warning a bunch of rich ass holes from the dangers of amphibious revenge? Of course you do! Starring Sam Elliot, sadly not starring his glorious mustache, Frogs is a deliciously ham-handed environmentalist cautionary tale about respecting nature and the dangers of commercial pesticides. Mr. Elliot plays Pickett Smith, a freelance photographer and naturalist who is canoing about in the swamp taking pictures of wildlife (some of which is actually indigenous to north american swamp land) and pollution and probably crying a single Indian tear. He runs into some rich jerks in a speed boat and they knock him into the water, sort of accidentally. They take him back to their big jerky rich house full of other rich jerks who are there to have a rich jerk party. He tries to call his editor to let them know all his camera stuff is at the bottom of the swamp, but wouldn't you know it, the phone in the big creepy house in the remote location doesn't work. What a shame. Well he meets the whole rich jerk family and is shocked, SHOCKED to see their complete lack of respect for nature as they causally talk about poisoning the entire swamp because it is moderately inconvenient to them for the weekend they are hanging out there. I do declare. Smith non-chalants his way about the island the house is seated on in the bayou, casually respecting nature until he finds a dead guy. Turns out he was one of "the help" the extra crochety wheelchair bound patriarch of the family sent out to murder all the noisy frogs. When he reports back with this news no one really seems to care. He warns them that nature is about to take its revenge, but of course they don't listen and soon family members start getting offed by some very crafty reptiles. The people who work for the rich jerks figure out its about time to leave and try to escape but its a little ambiguous if they do. Its about this time you start to wonder what the frogs are gonna do, all the murder to this point has been from lizards, geckos, snakes, and alligators, and possibly some birds. It will come together in the end, as ribbity doom will eventually hop on in and take the master of the house. I have to wonder something else about the movie though, the grumpy old man in the wheel chair reminded me a lot of the big Lebowski in The Big Lebowski, and since Sam Elliot is in this as well I really have to wonder if he wasn't the inspiration for that character.

Lets enjoy a couple Dead Green Frogs, shall we?

equal parts
Rumple Minz
Kalhua
Green Creme de Menthe
Bailey's
Vodka

Its a lot of ingredients for a shot so its easier to shake up a batch and pour out a couple. Shake up all that creamy green stuff with ice and strain into shot glasses. It's exactly what you want in the hot-as-balls swamp. It is sort of like a mint julep, except grosser and might give you warts, and not really like a mint julep at all. But it will make it easier to bare your annoying relatives through the family reunion, you only have to placate grandpa through a few more birthdays until he croaks and you get all his greenbacks.

Review: Pieces

Pieces (1982)

College campus terrorized by a serial killer, cops cant find out who it is as they try to track down the murderer. This one of the movies that I feel helped built this cliche, and its as fun as a movie about this should be. Plenty of gore and sex, and enough goofy dialogue in between. The whodunnit aspects of the movie are fun as well with enough red herrings that I actually kept guessing, mostly as to how much credit of originality I should give the movie. The version I watched had some awkward dubbing, but I think it helped my experience of the film. The killer in the movie is going after young women specifically, and in a rather sexual manner because of a crazy event in his childhood which the movie opens with. I clearly was inspired by other early slash movies like Halloween and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This is really fun movie that should be in anyone's short list when discussing 80's slashers. I cant really say too much more about it because I kind of want to keep this review relatively spoiler free and there are some pretty awesome bits towards the end when the movie comes together.

Lets get ripped up for this shlocky romp with an

Absolute Chainsaw

1/2 oz Absolut Vodka
1 oz Wild Turkey
1/2 oz Jagermeister
1 can Natty

Pour the three douchey liquors into the nearest red solo cup and pour the douchey beer on top, because we need to get wicked drunk for this bloody rager, don't forget to pop your collar and lube your chainsaw.

Review: Phantasm

Phantasm (1979)

Phantasm basically has the same plot as Plan 9, that is aliens are stealing human corpses because of reasons. The film centers on young Jody, a boy of 13 and his older brother Michael Baldwin. Their parents died some time ago, and at the start of the movie so has one of Michael's buddies. Michael Baldwin seems to act like taking care of Jody is a total drag, man, and cant wait to get back "on the road". Soon things start getting weird, because this really tall guy in a suit and some Jawas start fucking with Jody Baldwin. However, the creepiest thing about this movie to me is Michael Baldwin's other buddy, the balding ice cream truck driver with the pony tail. He is so slimy and has a really odd relationship with the young 13 year old Jody. I almost think this would have been an even better movie if all the weird supernatural/sci-fi stuff was a fabrication of Jody's mind to cope with all the shit he has to deal with. Actually at first I wasn't sure the kid wasn't just seeing things, his brother definitely doesn't believe him at first. This is the kind of movie with odd pacing and direction of the plot that actually adds to the tension. We aren't really sure what it is gong to happen next because it keeps throwing really weird paranormal shit at us and then going back to a late 70's after school special about hanging out with your older brothers friends. The main ghoul is this tall creeper who can change his appearance, which opens up even more doubt as to who to trust and who is really themselves. I really feel like I need to watch this movie again to really get it, but it did intrigue me. I had to return it to videodrome last night so a second viewing will have to wait, but I will return with a more in-depth report on it when I find the time.

Corpse Reviver

1 1/2 oz Brandy
1/2 oz Fernet
1 oz White Creme de Menthe

Pour ingredients into a glass with ice, stir lightly and strain into a cocktail glass. Will bring anyone you want back to life, be sure to have a child sized brown cloak for them as they will be tiny and gross after reanimation.

Review: Freaks

Freaks (1932)

I first heard of this movie on another horror review website, so I thought of it in my head as part of the broader genre of spooky movies, but really it is unfair to call this movie "horror". I dont believe the overall point of the movie is to scare, although there are some things that could be shocking and the climactic scene is creepy as all hell, but overall this is actually a really touching story about misunderstood people. The film is about a group of circus performers and living sideshow attractions and the various love affairs and . It is incredibly humanizing and touching to see the interactions between these characters. The sideshow folks have their own family and are very protective of their kind. The true antagonist in the film is one of the non-freak circus performers who is taking advantage of one of the little people and his feelings for her. His fiancé who also shares his stature and Bavarian heritage is so heartbreaking in this as she stands by him even as he ignores her. This is a must-see for fans of any and all cinema. It is ahead of its time in the respectful and warm depiction of people who are marginalized into being a curiosity but without being patronizing or taking pity on them. And besides all that its just a really well put together and engrossing movie.

Share a laughing cup with your friends and family

Pour a little of each wine or whatever bottle everyone brought into the biggest goblet or bowl you have handy, pass it around so everyone can take a swig while chanting the following " one of us! One of us! Gooba-gabba gooba-gabba!" We're all freaks on the inside.

Review: Basket Case

Basket Case (1982)

Basket Case is about two brothers separated after birth, that nevertheless remained...quite close. However, their relationship is often strained and blood-stained. Duane Bradley was born with a deformed conjoined twin; their birth caused the death of their mother, and the scorn of their father. Eventually, their father paid some doctors to remove the more unfortunate-looking boy, but it was an off-the-books surgery. The twins didn't much appreciate this gesture--all grown up, they decide to go track down the doctors that performed the surgery in the big city to "pay them a little visit", as the kids say these days. The city holds a lot of distractions for someone as sheltered as Duane, though, and his little buddy grows jealous since he can't quite get the same satisfaction. The movie does a great job at characterizing the brothers and is actually quite touching at times despite less-than-stellar acting. There is an inescapable charm about this movie, and the feelings of jealousy and protection between the brothers felt really genuine. It functions very well overall, creating a balance of tension and comedic relief. I really liked the puppet and stop motion effects of the deformed brother, Belial, and found it actually really freaky at times. Easily the best scene is right at the end--which I really don't mind spoiling because it really is that great--where we're afforded this perfect piece of visual poetry. I recommend Basket Case for anyone who likes the lighter side of horror, or just loves anything really weird.


Enjoy with a nice--

Flaming Little Brother

2oz Kaluha
1oz Vodka
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
1 dash of vanilla extract
1oz 151 Rum

put the first four ingredients into a blender, and mix them good. pour into a glass and pour the 151 on top, then carefully light it on fire. Insert two straws and suck it down with your closest bro...

Review: Chopping Mall

Chopping Mall (1986)

Chopping Mall basically combines several things that were popular in the 80's: Robocop, slasher movies, and shopping malls. This shopping mall has purchased a set of new security robots to patrol the building at night, that will incapacitate any intruders. They have safety features that should prevent them from coming after mall employees, but of course they get hit by lightning and that control system malfunctions; of course, they go on a murderous rampage. This rampage happens to occur whilst a group of teenagers that work at the mall decide to stay overnight and have a party at a furniture store. The movie follows some of the general cliches after that--the janitor (albeit he was white) gets killed first, the kids drink and have sex (thereby calling down the old testament judgement of the slasher movie gods), and the really nerdy couple that does not hook up at the party end up living. The movie also is reminiscent of Dawn of The Dead, since the group ends up smashing lots of windows in the mall and there are lots of scenes in which they gear up to try to fight the robots. The heroine shows plenty of competence with firearms and definitely holds her own against the robots, which was fun to watch. There is also a great head explosion, a couple good one-liners, and the robots actually look pretty cool. The soundtrack is really great--the perfect kind of 80's synth but with a manic, goofy quality that really fits the mood. It's a really fun movie that combines lots of elements of other 80's movies and is definitely worth a viewing or two.

Boom! Head Shot!
dash grenadine
1/2 oz 151 Rum
1/2 oz Grand Marnier
1/2 oz Midori

put booze and ice into shaker, strain in to shot glass, violently dash in grenadine being sure to spill some on the bar. then throw it back hard, like a laser from a robot exploded your melon all over the place. optionally, throw the contents of the shaker at someone's face and pretend it exploded (read: cheesy effects).

October Horrorreviewpalooza Part 2: Electric Boogaloo: Parents

Well, it is once again the fucking greatest time of the calender year--the time where all the junk food has orange and black packaging, people on social media are complaining/praising the existence of various pumpkin-spice-flavored products, and there is quite possibly already Christmas shit out, too, despite the afternoons down here still being like 80 degrees. In short, it is October--the month in which I choose to celebrate every day as pumpkin-bat-ghost day. Which is really just my tenuous justification for watching entirely too many horror movies. However, I will not have quite enough time to watch and write reviews about as many as I did last year; instead I will shoot for five a week. Four will be new to me and one will be a classic, as I am introducing my lovely, glorious, voluptuous, perfect (Ed.) gal-pal to some horror cinema staples.

Well lets go ahead and jump in with:

Parents (1989)

Never in a million years would I have believe I'd be this creeped out by Randy Quaid. Billed as a dark comedy satire of the 1950's, Parents creates a twisted vision of a Norman Rockwell family sitting at the dinner table to a meal of "leftovers" where Mom's mystery meat is... uh... well, its fucking people. It is really not that gory, but there is an awful lot of meat being chopped, seasoned, ground, and fried; with the implication that it is human, it actually becomes really gross. While I can immediately see where the humor in this is intended to be, the mom joyfully milling about the kitchen preparing classic Betty Crocker cookbook recipes, with cheesy 50's Library music playing in the background, with the added implication that it's human meat coming out of the grinder...was actually really off-putting. The cinematography here is very interesting actually, and I was taken aback by the surreal, tense, and generally uncomfortable tone achieved here. There is some humor present--a few Dr. Strangelove-esque jokes poking fun at the whole military-industrial complex, and a couple sight-gags. The main things I found uncomfortable in the movie were the kids. This specifically was discomfiting, because you would think the family's little boy would play the role of the "Alice", the normal character that the audience connects with and reacts to all the crazy shit. Um...in Parents, this is not the case. Our little protagonist is creepy as shit. He might even be creepier, though in a sad way. When he comes to school and shares with his teacher and guidance counselor the glimpses of the evil his parents commit, they assume what's going on is a more common form of child abuse or that the kid's got some psychiatric disorder. I am not entirely sure if this misdiagnosis was supposed to be funny, but it was mostly just unsettling, as was the thought of cannibalistic parents preying upon a child. The other child character, a little girl, is pretty heart-breaking as well--the abuse she faces at home from an alcoholic mother (which is never actually shown in the movie, but is clearly hinted at) seemed disturbingly real, and I really felt that plot was a little inappropriate for the genre of movie I thought I was watching. The level of tension was higher than I expected, and it never really broke in a satisfying way. The surreal, dream-like film style, mixed with very unsettling themes of child abuse, took the foreground for me and I couldn't quite chuckle as much as I wanted to at the satirization of the prototypical White American 50's family. By the way, the implication here is that the Suburban-American dream came from the subjugation of other people in some manner, and therefore is a form of cannibalism. I feel like I really want to like this movie, and I would suggest it for people with a strong stomach and a sense for black humor and satire; however, the one viewing I've had of it thus far was actually a rather uncomfortable experience. 

There is a lot of drinking in the movie, but Gibsons and wine are too elementary. This off kilter, kinda gross movie needs a kinda gross cocktail:

The Bloody Bull

2 oz Vodka

2 dashes of Worcestershie Sauce 

2 oz beef buillon 

2 oz tomato juice 

Shake with ice and serve in a glass with a lemon wedge. Make sure you make enough for when you have the neighbors for dinner. 

Roger Corman sci-fi triple feature!

Yesterday I got to see the classic Ridley Scott's Alien on the big screen, digitally restored in all it's glory. It was an amazing viewing experience, I know that sounds corny but it was true. Out of movies I have seen in theaters vs on a tv, this has easily been one of the biggest differences I have experienced. The scope and detail of the sets is astounding, the sound of the ship filling up a dark theater, it was something else. It is still playing at The Plaza Theatre in Atlanta until after this Thursday, 7/10/14 so if you can GO SEE IT! It is easy to see then when this movie first came on the scene how people would flock to copy it and make a buck, so without further or do lets look at a couple of attempts via the king of cheap cheese: Roger Corman, who made a couple of sci-fi movies heavily inspired by Alien in the early 1980's.

Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)
Ok, so this is a rip off of Star Wars primarily, and doesn't really have a connection to Alien, but I wanted to talk about it anyway. Predictably it starts off with a long shot beneath a huge space ship, which actually looks pretty good. The interior... not so much. The big ship is full of ass holes, which apparently have nothing better to do than be all empirey and conquer people who don't appear to have anything worth taking. The wizard of oz head booms our that he is gonna take this dirt planet's harvest, because EVIL. Oh wait, the poor agrarian people are going to get some mercenaries with hearts of gold to defend themselves from evil bastards who want their crops? Never seen that one before. They actually titled the Spanish dub The Magnificent Seven in Space, and Robert Vaughn was basically the same character in both this and Magnificent Seven. The main character reminds me of Sheldon from Big Bang Theory so I hate him. But its made up for by Hannibal from the A-Team being a literal space cowboy. As they mosey around they just about trip over people who want to help fight against the evil Sador, seems like if everyone hates him they should have kicked his ass already. In addition to Hannibal and Robert All-Business Vaughn they end up with a nerd girl who fixes things, some weird white dudes, a sexy viking chick with a ridiculous helmet, and a sleestak. Its pretty cornball, but there are some nice spaceship porn shots of the exteriors. The interiors are more Flash Gordon or Star Trek OS than gritty Ralph MacQuarry or HR Giger looking. Although one looks like a flying ball-sack. Not even joking. Or maybe they're boobs, it's right there on the poster. The movies is pretty damn ridiculous, and I am not entirely sure how much of it is intentionally goofy but you will definitely laugh at something.

Galaxy of Terror (1981)
Starting off with weird new-agey sci-fi spirituality mumbo jumbo (that barely comes into play agian through the rest of the movie) you might think this movie is gonna be a different type of shit. Actually it starts to get a lot better, especially the last 2/3rds of the movie. A weird demi god being that rules an space empire realizes one his ships found some ancient alien pyramid thing, and he wants more people to check it out. even though its evil and makes weird stuff happen. So they send a crack team of misfits with their own personal demons and some dirt between them. They fly over, fuck their ship up on the way down, explore the spooky pyramid and shit goes further south as they start to get picked off by a mysterious force that seems to play on their fears. Sid Haig plays a mute, because he hated his dialogue, and he probably gives the best performance of anyone here. Robert Englund is in this too but he was kind of under utilized, they could have had him go much crazier.There are some shots in the halls of the space ship where its really obvious that they used take out containers from McDonalds to decorate the halls. There are also some shots that look really cool and some neat effects. There are also some horribly cheesy sound effects, it is really hard to suspend your disbelief when the monster is making the same slobbery goop sound used in Scooby Doo. I really did enjoy this one, but it falls a little short of being actually pretty good which is really frustrating.

Forbidden World (1982, AKA Mutant)  Anyway the plot of this one involves a research lab on a remote planet that was attempting to genetically produce high-yield food or something. But Monsanto fucked up just like ally the hippies keep telling us and produce a damn monster that runs amok through the station and eats people and steals their DNA... or something. It is shameless in its ripping off of Alien. It does however include more gore and boobies, as a good ripoff should, also some really terrible synthesizer music. That being said there are some shots in this that are really cool, and only some of them involve tits. You may notice some similarities between the other movies I have mentioned, and by similarities I mean he recycled a bunch of shit. Particularly battle footage at the start from Battle Beyond the Stars, and the Big Mac container walls from the Galaxy of Terror set. What a forward-thinking, environmentally conscious producer! Remember, reduce, reuse, recycle! According to IMDB there during an early screening of the movie one viewer laughed out loud during a scene which Corman took as an insult and hit the dude. It's a pretty enjoyable flick, what it actually lack is a little more insanity and weirdness to push it over the edge of cult classic-ness. Its pretty straightforward bug hunt, and a serviceable vehicle for action and gore beats that only really lacks in film and sound clarity and the acting. The effects aren't really THAT bad, neither are the sets despite being partially made from take-out containers. My least favorite part is the child-like voice the android, robot guy has.

Out of the three, I think I enjoyed Galaxy of Terror the most, but I can see Battle Beyond the Stars being a more enjoyable experience for a group of friends drinking and watching something ridiculous. Galaxy of Terror was really close to being actually good, if it had just a bit more production value and maybe a script re-write.

Jug Face (2013)

Jug Face

Killing the Netflix List

Jug Face excited me with its trailer last year and I have been pretty excited to get to see it. It is about a backwoods community fueled by superstition and sacrifice. It focuses on a young girl who finds she is next in line to be given to "the pit" by finding her likeness made in to an ugly jug, a type of folk art which you can read about here. Anyway she doesn't want to be sacrificed, and has other secrets to keep from her family besides. The tension builds as to whether she can deal with this situation. It is a well put together movie that makes the most of its budget. There are some supernatural elements to film as well, but they did not hit that well with me. And some of the editing and visual effects involving them as well did not really thrill me either. The script and acting are actually pretty solid, considering. If you are in the mood for an original supernatural thriller, definitely give this one a go.

Almost Human (2013 (not the one with Karl Urban))

Almost Human

I'm going to try to burn through my Netflix list as it has piled up something fierce, and for some reason I felt writing short reviews would somehow make me more likely to do this... Yeah I'm confused by my own reasoning.

Anyway, Almost Human is very independent but not entirely cheap feeling sci-fi horror gore romp. The plot is damn simple, a guy gets abducted by aliens, comes back a few years later and kills a bunch of people, because. The acting and script are a little weak, but entirely forgivable. The production is surprisingly good however, particularly the sound and music. Fantastic, chilling, creepy, obviously influenced by John Carpenter's The Thing (so of course I like it). Some of the gore-gags are pretty well done, and at least one made me say "what the fuck" out-loud, which is a good thing. Its a decent, short, indie horror flick. While not amazing, the people involved obviously know horror and how to make a movie. Its fun and worth adding to your list if you have run through the big horror titles already.

Thoughts on Godzilla 2014

Last night I saw the much anticipated Godzilla, the new film from Monsters's director Gareth Edwards. I got on the hype train for this movie pretty early. After seeing the design, the serious take on the subject matter, hearing the sound design for the roar, and getting Bryan Cranston I was beyond careful optimism, I was ready for this movie to be great. Could anything live up to this hype, did I enjoy it?

Yes. For the most part. I enjoyed the experience of seeing this movie and I want to watch it again but it is far from being a perfect film, and far from being the ultimate Godzilla movie. The movie had about a serious a tone as you can when the subject is giant monsters. This was not intended to be a remake of the 1954 original, it was a new story with new twists and takes on the mythology. I really appreciated the attention to detail, having a design that was updated but still true to the spirit of Godzilla, keeping the roar the same, and having him look and act like the big monster we love. They did a fantastic job of making him feel huge and powerful. The sense of scale was very well done. I enjoyed what they did with the back story: with the nuclear testing of the American military actually being attempts to destroy Godzilla, and keeping with part of the original canon for the origin being prehistoric animals from time where there was more radiation. The movie acknowledges that it doesn't own Godzilla and that he has his own established mythology. Between the nods to the old movies and a few other unspecific things I thought it felt like he was on loan, we were borrowing him for this movie. It was at once respectful, but also might have been a contributing factor to my primary gripe on the movie: there wasn't enough Godzilla. It was almost as if they were afraid to use him, or they could only get him on contract for a couple days of shooting. I'm clearly the only person who felt that there wasn't quite a enough Godzilla, but then again there are a lot of his movies were you dont see him as much as you want. But it really doesn't feel like he is the focus of the movie, he is kind of relegated to the just being the deus ex machina that destroys the evil monsters at the end. Godzilla has functioned this way before in some of the Toho movies, so its not that far from the source material. However in his first return to the big screen in ten years I wanted a little more. Like I really want more, I want sequels dammit. This was almost a proof of concept, that Americans could make a decent Godzilla movie and that the format can survive in the modern movie market.

The film really focuses on the human drama, but not in the "oh the humanity! terrible cost of life! blatant metaphor for natural disasters possibly caused by human environmental damage" etc. I was expecting that from the trailers, but most of the movie is about the protagonist trying to keep his family safe and get to them during all this craziness. And I think maybe there was something about a bomb? I dunno. The next biggest failing was that the human element in the movie was still not how the people relate to Godzilla, its how they relate to the problems caused by the other monsters. I wanted something to tie the protagonist directly to Godzilla. The only character that really had any kind of relationship with Godzilla was the Japanese scientist played by Ken Watanabe. They really should have explored that relationship more, he just kind of happens to know about Godzilla although they don't really go into detail about it. What I really wanted to have was a strong human antagonist who is idiot politician/military guy who mishandles the situation and tries to blow up Godzilla at the cost of peoples lives, or maybe is making money off the disaster somehow, and gets yelled at by Bryan Cranston a bunch until finally dickhead gets caught in the path of Godzilla, preferably by taking a breath weapon to the private jet. That never happened, and I really wanted something like that.

For all the things we didn't get, we got a lot. We got bad science, we got decent music, we got some hamfisted environmentalism. We did get a monster we can call Godzilla. He was big, he broke stuff, he fought monsters, he roared at things, he shot breath weapons, he walked into the ocean at the end and all that stuff was pretty amazing. We definitely got a Godzilla movie and I'm satisfied calling it that. I just want more now.

Compared to Pacific Rim

It's going to be impossible not to compare this movie to last summer's kaiju movie. Pacific Rim had a lot more freedom being that it was only inspired by kaiju monsters and super robots and did not have to live up to any specific expectations or established canon. PR had a lot more action and a lighter tone, and really that is how these movies need to be to survive. The vast majority of the Godzilla movies were goofy and fun, and hopefully and future installments will start to encapsulate more of that atmosphere. It is hard for me to say which of the movies is better, but I had a more thrilling experience seeing Godzilla in the theater, while looking down the road I can see myself throwing the Pacific Rim bluray on more often.

Compared to Monsters

The plot device of "people trying to move through a disaster area with big monsters in it" feels very familiar to Gareth Edward's other movie, Monsters. That one was well received with critics from what I can remember but did not make a big impact on viewers and I think it had a pretty limited release. I was not thrilled with Monsters when I saw it, for basically the same arguments I have about this Godzilla movie: too much personal drama (especially unrelated to the monsters) not enough monsters. I understand his choices, he wants to leave you in suspense and have a huge reveal for finally seeing the beasts, and he wants to give you a connection to the protagonist, you want them to get home safe and root for them along the way. Except you don't really. You want to root for the monster, that's why you see these movies. You want to see destruction, you want to see action, you want to see man triumph over nature, or aliens, or see nature triumph over man's follies, or one of those few metaphors you can draw from this genre. You want to see something epic, you come for spectacle. There was some spectacle from Godzilla, I think the best way to connect to the audience with the human character drama is to have people who are as just as passionate about the monster as the audience is. They did this to good effect in Godzilla 2000 I think.

Compared to other Godzilla movies

Oh, this is hard. Well clearly this movie blows the piece of shit from 1998 away. I don't think I have to do too much elaboration there. If we were to compare this to the last Godzilla movie made, 2004's ridiculous shark jumping Godzilla Final Wars, this one is way more serious in tone and easily a better movie. Final Wars was a silly romp and half with plenty of odd things and bad cg piled on top of decent but not amazing miniature and rubber suit work. I like Final Wars, but its real dumb. I think this was a fresh restarting point for the series 10 years later. This movie is kind of a lot like the 1985 one I feel, for its more serious tone after about a decade of silence following a period of very silly Godzilla movies. Although I am not convinced serious equals better. The silliness is part of the attraction of Godzilla movies, the trick is finding the balance between making him badass, but still allowing yourself to have fun because, after all this is a movie about giant monsters. I think this movie was really close to finding that balance, closer than they have been in a while. I felt that the movies from the millennium series were just a little bit too goofy and outrageous. Now the best serious Godzilla movie is still the original, and I think it is still probably the best one. It is still on a different page entirely with the tone it has. The movie exists in a very important place in history, just ten years after the fire bombing of Tokyo and the two atomic bombings, because of all that it is the one that is truly terrifying. I don't think that feeling of panic and terror can really be replicated now and I'm not sure it should be. I think where we are socially now, with strong memories of seeing lots of devastating news footage of disasters like 9-11, the tsunami's, hurricanes etc, this was a time where they could have gone harder towards exploiting that concept, but I think the pulled back. I think that was the right call. It would have been a very hard thing to do: to conjure up those memories and emotions of real panic, devastation and loss in a movie with a giant lizard fighting giant bugs and it not kind of be offensive.


Overall.

Its kind of frustrating that the movie was so good in some spots, but it just wasn't quite amazing altogether. But then again I am a nitpicking nerd. The movie is definitely worth going to see, I think it works if you are discerning G-fan or just casually aware of his existence. More than anything I feel this justifies bringing the genre back as a staple, and I hope more giant monster movies come out of it, Godzilla or otherwise. Personally I would be very pleased if the super hero movie thing that has been going on for the past decade would be replaced by giant monsters as the go-to summer action movie device. If your are going to make a bloated, plot-less, cgi-laden summer action blockbuster it might as well involve giant monsters instead of dudes in capes. Seriously, with what they did with Godzilla, can imagine what they could do with Mothra or Ghidorah?

Frankenstein's Army

Frankenstein's Army

I never quite finished my October horror review fest, but turns out going to Atlantic City can cause a disruption in your normal life. Anyway I'm making my triumphant return with a movie from just last year, something I had been super excited about since I first saw this this trailer (DUBSTEP WARNING). Despite its poor choice of musical accompaniment the trailer is pretty damn impressive, well at least as a showcase for what the movie is all about: crazy Nazi mutant cyborg costumes murdering folk. If that is appealing to you then you know you want to watch this, if it isn't then why are you reading this? 

When i was a kid I was exposed to a lot of WWII history, either through watching old History Channel documentaries, going through my childhood friend's dad's books of pictures of the holocaust, and even having a holocaust survivor come and speak to our 3rd grade class. Yeah that's all pretty heavy for a kid to comprehend, but it did leave an impression on me and Nazi's, especially those using the occult or mad science, are probably my favorite type of bad guy. So I was super excited for this, was a happy with what I got? 

Well yes, mostly. If there was one glaring flaw with this movie, its that it also a found-footage movie. I really ought to do a whole article on the found-footage sub-genre, because its become a fucking stain on the cinema world at this point. And I don't know why, because most people don't like it. In this movie, they did take some steps to explain why its being filmed: we have a soviet cameraman, some sort of propaganda journalist, who is filming (we find this out later) because they are trying to convince this doctor to join the Russians before they kill him and record all his experiments so that if he doesn't then they can try to replicate them later. Somewhat plausible, but the rest of the team, the regular soldiers don't know anything about this, they think they are on a rescue mission for soviet POW's. When they do figure out what is going on they become reasonably upset. And that is basically the entire plot. They explore the compound, get lost, get attacked a lot by amazing and inventive costumes, and get brutalized one-by-one. 

Now there are parts where they did try to create the effect that this was really some lost footage of an absurdly grotesque Nazi experiment, and it eases us into the nightmare by first exploring this seemingly abandoned stand of buildings in war-torn eastern Europe. It is effective at creating atmosphere and the overall story telling isn't bad for what it is but the actual cinematography is pretty bipolar. There is shaky-cam aplenty, and yet all the action is still caught in frame. We see the cameras they are using are period pieces of equipment but they film in modern clarity and color with audio. Its sort of half-assed. If they had stuck to an actual period feel, with that surreal, silent, black and white, low-frame so rate everyone walks to fast feel, it would have actually increased the feeling of authenticity that is indeed found footage from the period. Then they could have pulled a sort of Cannibal Holocaust and had a b-story of people searching for and finding the footage and watching it in a place where some of these things could have still been around. Or they could have just filmed it in a more traditional style, and just had more of a Dog Soldiers deal where a group of grunts just end up in a really bad place behind enemy lines and try to survive. But those are just changes to make the movie something really great, what we have is a pretty damn entertaining piece that fans of practical special effects and red corn syrup are going to dig. 

If there is anything to spoil in this movie, it is not the plot, it is some of the very inventive gags, props, and costume pieces not shown in the trailer. The movie is absolutely worth watching for all of that, if you can find a place to stream it cheap enough. I believe its 3.99 on youtube, more than that per-view may be pushing it. It is likely netflix candidate, keep your eyes open for it because despite its camera work it is a visually impressive movie and in a world where that statement normally means a metric-shitload of cgi bullshit spinning across a variety of lens-flares for three hours, the grimy, dark atmosphere where you literally don't know what kind of insane monster is literally lurking around the next corner is a breath of dankly "fresh" air. 

The FrankenBomb

1 oz Vodka (cheap as possible)

1 oz Jaegermeister

6 oz of Monster Energy Drink

Add the two liquors in a Boston shaker full of ice and hold it like its a camera, now shake it like you are filming a found footage movie. As the dark, foul German liquor combines with the harsh, no-nonsense Russian vodka contemplate how you would be a more efficient drinker with bottle openers or shot glasses for fingers. Strain and pour the shot into a shot glass. Now pour only about six ounces of the disgusting green energy drink into a glass, now drop the shot glass down like a mortar shell and slug back the concoction into your dirty mouth hole, remember to take your gasmask off first. 

Review: The Gorilla

The Gorilla (1939)

This is an incredibly hard movie to review, or easy. Yeah its easy, because its basically a three stooges rip-off about a guy in a gorilla suit who may or may not be murdering people and three bumbling detectives trying to figure out what is going on, and who fail miserably. That's really about it. Don't know what to say. Its only about an hour long

Just take three shots of whiskey and put on another movie...

Sorry this one sucks...I'll make it up to you one day.

Review: Curse of the Demon (Night of the Demon)

Night of the Demon (1957)

A black and white mystery flick about an American psychologist sent to Enlgand to investigate a demonic cult. The last guy to investigate this cult met an untimely end from a mysterious accident. In fact the first thing we get to see is the dude get wasted by a rad demon puppet by dropping some power lines on him and frying him. The American, Dr. John Holden, is very skeptical and basically spends the whole movie denying and trying to explain away the mysterious things the cult leader, Karswell is doing. Karswell doesn't directly do too many evil things, he mostly tries to protect himself. The focus of the movie is on a spell that comes from runes drawn on parchment which kind of works like the black spot in pirate lore. The last person to touch the parchment receives the demon's curse and will be killed by him next. The demon effects are pretty cool, although the youtube upload I watched this on wasn't of the best quality so it was hard to enjoy them too much. The movie almost plays out like a noir, with the fedora wearing detective/psychologist walking around night-time London and English countryside alike chasing clues, leads, and being generally surly about it all. Towards the beginning of the movie Karswell tells Holden that he is cursed and has until the 28th of October (Hey that's when I watched this! How 'bout that?). Holden blows this off like all the other claims of magic at the begenning, but we slowly start to see him change his mind, and as he gets deeper into the occult underworld we see the fear in him grow. Its pretty cool movie with mysteries, magic, and demons.

A good movie for a dark and stormy night

Dark and Stormy
2 oz dark or black rum (Kraken)
1 bottle Ginger Beer (try to find the alcoholic kind, if possible)
lime

Fill a glass with ice, pour on rum, then pour in the ginger beer, squeeze the lime and drop it in. Put on your best black robe and recite the ancient incantation: Asmodeus Baphomet Belial.

Review: Possession (1981)

Possession (1981)

This is not the movie I reviewed earlier this month, although they do have some things in common, like themes of family and divorce. In a way the weirdest part of this movie is the first hour, which is still well grounded in the mundane, its just the over-the-top dramatic responses from everyone and odd behavior coupled with the cinematography. The story starts off with a Sam Neil coming home from some sort of long business trip, which we quickly learn had some sort of clandestine nature. His wife isn't terribly comfortable with him being there, it seems as though they have drifted apart while he was away. Things quickly deteriorate between them and their very young son is caught in the middle. He begins to suspect there is another man, and he is right to think so. Eventually it comes to them splitting up, with much screaming and violence. Its a frantic movie, and the intense acting walks the narrow line between comical and disturbing, often slipping a toe to either side. We are never entirely sure of the mental state of anyone in this movie, except maybe the little boy. He is actually probably the most sane person in the whole movie. Also the movie takes place in divided Berlin during the cold war, which is a very important piece of symbolism. I don't want to describe the plot too much, because I really, really want people to see this movie. The second half is where things get really crazy, although people's tempers get calmer... sort of. I will say that the most important part of this movie is symbolism of division, two halves, pairs, etc. You will pick up on that, but I love the way it is implemented, with the Berlin Wall in the background. I am going to probably post another article breaking down the symbolism of the movie at a later date after I watch it a few more times. The movie remains very engaging, keeping you guessing. I think this movie had me saying "wtf" as much or more than anything else I have watched this month, but in a good way. If you are expecting gore or violence, just stick around until the second half, I promise you wont be disappointed.

Contemplate the nature of duality of the film with a good ol' Black and Tan.

1 Can of Guinness
1 Can of Bass
A Guinness glass
A spoon

Tilt the glass and pour in the Bass first, fill it to half way. Set the glass up straight hold the spoon over the mouth of the glass, upside-down. Pour the Guinness over the upside spoon, slowly. This disperses the Guinness and lets it float on top of the lighter-colored beer. Let it settle, you should have the dark floating above the light. As you drink, muse over the ying and the yang, male and female, light and dark. Try not to freak out either.

Review: Audition

Audition (1999)

Its probably also surprising that I haven't seen this one yet. I have been familiar with it though, so maybe that's why I am a little underwhelmed by it. The classic story of a middle aged man looking for a new life to spark up his life. An awkward proposition enough, but more so in Japan with what I assume is more intricate or at least awkward dating norms. His friend in the movie business suggests a way to get around this by holding auditions for a fake romance movie so he can basically interview all these hopeful, unknown, aspiring actresses. This way he gets to meet a bunch of talented and attractive people and pick who he wants. Clearly you should see where this could turn into a problem. Well he finally settles on this brokenhearted young girl who's younger dreams of being a ballet dancer were smashed by an injury in early adolescence. Also she is kinda creepy. Despite his friends warnings about a hunch about the girl he starts dating her. We get one quick glimpse into her life that shows that something is kinda fucked about here, and we get the probably infamous "bag scene". Already the guy is kind of a creep for dating someone close to his son's age, so I cant feel terribly sympathetic to him. Around the midway point of the movie they go off together for a little trip, and things start to get weird. We see she has some intense scars on her legs, and she asks him to love her and no one else, because that's not a red flag at all. Right as they start to bang there is a very fast cut and now its some time later in the room and she is gone. We aren't supposed to know what has happened. He starts looking for her, checking up on the couple of contacts she mentioned on her resume. We start to suspect there is something pretty fucked up indeed about her indeed. Before he heads home, dejected that his new love has up and left him already, and is probably a basket case, we get a POV shot of someone lurking in his house. He goes home and pours himself a drink, but we already know its been poisoned, now we get a very confusing series of flashbacks that I am still not 100% sure are completely "real" or what order any of it is implied. This is where the movie starts to get interesting finally but now it gets far more confusing too with its very disjointed story telling and disorienting editing. I cant say this is bad, just confusing. We get to see the girls tortured, abused past, and the fucked up shit it has led her to do. Some of it is pretty gross, and it would probably be disturbing for most people to watch. When he snaps out of it he finds that he is paralyzed and she is there. She slowly starts to set up her little torture routine on him, while she monologues about trustworthiness and faithfulness and honesty. Typically crazy bitch stuff. Its also hard to feel sympathetic for her, which sounds harsh, but something about her character comes across as really in-genuine to begin with. The torture scene is terribly graphic, but my standards at least, but I will say its well done. The best scene in the movie is at the very end, where she is laying there on the floor staring at him, also paralyzed after falling down the stairs and breaking her neck, and she continues her monologue again with her neck bone jutting up from the side. The general idea is clearly that she was so abused as a child that she turned into a monster who tortures and kills men in a form of revenge, or some way of making up for her mistreatment, basically. I cant help but feel that this movie expresses some fear of Japanese men in making developing relationships. There is some kind of theme of disconnect between the sexes, but I am not entirely sure what the point the movie is trying to make. I cant say that the movie is incompetent, but it wasn't very enjoyable for me or even really that scary. I found it had a lack of atmosphere and it really built more confusion and maybe awkwardness for me than tension.

Why not enjoy an awkward movie with a Shochu Schoolgirl?

3 oz Shochu (Japanese Barley liquor, you could use sake or plum wine I guess if you cant find any)
3 oz Midori
lemon juice

Pour the booze into a tall glass with ice and squeeze of fresh lemon juice, stir with an acupuncture needle skewered through a lemon wedge and a cherry for garnish. Optionally you could serve it in a dog bowl...

Review: Resolution

Resolution (2012)

I'm very happy I finally got to watch this movie. I had heard about it when it came out but couldn't find it at first, and then forgot the title but had kept my interest so it was even harder to find. When I asked people about "that movie where that guy chains up his friend to detox him off meth and a bunch of weird shit happens to them" no one had a clue what I was talking about. This is that movie, and that is basically the plot. The one character receives a map and a video of his friend smoking meth and shooting guns and acting kind of crazy. He decides to go out there to help him, to try to bring him to rehab one last time. When he refuses to go he decides that his last chance is to chain him up and let him sweat it out. But it wont be that easy when all the other weird people show up and weird stuff starts to happen. As the friend from the city starts exploring the area he starts finding lots of strange things: records, film, pictures, of people doing things that he assumes are stories and some of themselves. I cant give too much away, but its a tight and engaging psychological thriller with a lot to say about friendship and depression. While there is some heavy shit going on it remains thoroughly watchable between the mystery going on and the hope for the happy ending. Vinny Curran also brings a certain amount of humor to his role as the junkie to keep things from getting too heavy, while remaining convincing and sympathetic. Like I said, I cant go over this too much without spoiling things, but I want people to watch it so I talk about it. I will be watching this one again, I could tell there were detail I missed. I feel like it probably took some inspiration from the mystery alternate reality game web series' that were popular a few years ago, like Marble Hornets. If you want a smart movie that will keep you guessing until the end, I really suggest this one.

I feel like this movie needs something to keep you awake, acute and aware, like, uh...

Lucid Lucy

2 oz Absinthe
1 oz Rumple minze
1 oz Goldschlager
red bull

Shake up the liquor and pour into a highball glass with ice, then fill with red bull. A sort of take on a Ball and Chain but amped-up and with absinthe instead of Jagermeister. Probably a pretty dangerous cocktail and I wouldn't suggest more than one.

Review: Red State

Red State (2011)

First off, don't make the assumption I did that this is about communists and possibly a cheap version of Red Dawn. It has nothing to do with that by "red state" they mean ultra-conservative. Had I actually momentarily paused on its netflix profile to see that Kevin Smith wrote and directed it I would have watched it much earlier.This is an incredibly difficult movie to review, and kind of a difficult movie to watch but its rewarding. The movie starts off focused on a couple of high school kids, and we get introduced to the antagonists, a cult-like group of religious fundamentalists modeled on the Westero Baptist church. The kids in the class are discussing how this group was protesting the funeral of a gay student who was found killed recently. The main three kids in the movie break for lunch and start talking about this website for casual sexual encounters. All the pictures of the girls on the website have their faces censored out with smiley faces so we aren't sure about who they are about to go fuck. They head out to go do this borrowing one of their parents' cars and accidentally hit another car on the way. This mostly serves to start upping the tension. Finally they get to the address and see that the woman they were about to triple-up on is a bit older than they expected, like approximately their mothers' age. I don't want to give away too much from here, but the real movie starts rolling from about here on. The next thirty minutes are some of the most tense, uncomfortable, and enraging that I have experienced watching a movie. I don't really want to describe everything that happens in too much detail, but the focus of the movie shifts to the members of the crazy church. Michael Parks does an incredible job at playing the leader of the church, and gives a long sermon filled with the kind of crazed, backward, ignorant, homophobic bullshit that is incredibly effective because you know somewhere out there are a lot of people who think that way. Meanwhile these high school kids are trapped there terrified by whats about to happen to them. The things they say in this made me uncomfortable in a way I don't necessarily want my entertainment to make me uncomfortable, but I kind of have to applaud the movie for doing it. I have to give credit to Kevin Smith's writing as well. At about the point where I was thinking of turning the movie off John Goodman comes in to save us all from breaking things to release the frustrated anger. He's sent in as an ATF agent to lead a raid on the church compound because they have a ton of guns and they shot a cop earlier. He isn't quite the shining hero, as he is under dubious government orders. Before I get even deeper into spoiler territory, because I really think you should watch this, let me start to wrap this up.

Red State definitely preys on several topical themes that are very well utilized to push peoples buttons. It is incredibly tense and borders on disturbing because of its realism. Its such a well put together movie that I have to recommend it, but I cant say it will be a very fun ride for most of it. As for the drink recommendation I had a couple ideas, either a gay themed drink to spite the antagonists of the movie or something playing on its ultra-conservative crazy pantsedness. I decided to just use a classic,

The Jim Jones
1 oz Vodka
1/2 oz Blue Curacao
1/2 oz Peach Schnapps
1/2 oz Sour Apple Schnapps
1/2 oz Razzmatazz
splash sprite
splash sour mix

Shake with ice, pour into a glass, or dixie cup. Drink the Kool Aid. You will probably need more than one to temper the outrage.

Review: Attack of the Crab Monsters

Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957)
Too many sea monster movies yet? The confusing thing about this one is that barely makes any use of probably the main reason to even make a beach monster movie: chicks in bikinis. Doubly weird is that its Roger Corman who is usually not shy about showing us some ladies. Instead the cast is almost entirely dude scientists. Its not bad though, well I mean its still entertaining, and its mercifully short at barely over an hour. It starts off with this crew of people coming ashore to this island, one guy falls out the boat and we get a quick glimpse of one of the crab monsters before they pull his headless corpse out of the water. We don't even know who these people are or what they are doing (except that one of them is the Professor from Gilligan's Island) before one of them gets killed! Corman doesn't like to waste time. They seem to be far less concerned than you would expect by this, and continue on with their mission, although we still have no clue what it is. This one fat french (I think) guy starts talking about how quiet it is there, and says something about talking to the voices of the people that used to be there (foreshadowing). I'll skip ahead to the part where they tell you each one of these guys and the one gal is a scientist in a different field and they are there to study the effects of radioactive fallout left over from an H-bomb test. What a simpler time this was. There was also another team there before them but it has since gone missing. The quickly realize that apart from seagulls and crabs there are no other living animals on the island. Time passes and they start hearing strange sounds at night, and eventually disembodied voices. They start trying to investigate and realize its all coming from giant crab monsters. The rest of the movie follows suit with them trying to survive which means killing the hungry hungry crustacean. The monster effects are awesome and its pretty great how it talks to them with the voices of the dead scientists, mostly trying to mock them. Its a fun little popcorn movie, an almost textbook example of hokey 50's atomic critter flicks.

We need something quick and dirty, just like Corman would do, something like an:

Atomic Crab Claw Shot

1 oz Clam juice (I'd use crab juice but I think that only exists in the Simpsons)
3 oz Vodka
1 oz Blue Curacao
2 oz warm clarified butter

Shake the first three ingredients with ice and strain and pour into a shot glass. Pound that shit down and chase it with clarified butter before you start hearing the voices. After you vomit you can wipe it up with your ascot.