Blood Surf (2000)
This movie is really stupid. I know that might be shocking, because normally movies about large animals eating people are really deep and nuanced. After the credit sequence the film starts off with a pair of surfer dudes, a douche bag TV producer and their Aussie camera-babe who have the ever so intelligent idea of inventing a sport they want to call... wait for it... blood surfing and film it for a tv documentary. I do want to mention that my favorite character is one of the surfers who is basically a skinny Guy Fieri who is really endearing at how much of a stupid douche bag he is. But what exactly is blood surfing? Its surfing with sharks of course! But your probably asking yourself now, isn't there a huge crocodile on the poster? Yes there is, and that's
the joke. There is a very specific spot they want to do this, a particular body of water somewhere north of Australia inhabited apparently by sharks and south-east Asian stereotypes, but they need someone to take their dumb asses their because despite living in the area and sporting a Hawaiian shirt their chartered asian sea captain doesn't know how to get there. First we meet a very surly Australian sailor who says he wont do it, but he has as a bat-shit crazy American girlfriend who decides to awkwardly dance around the bar to really bad techno music as a way of changing his mind by annoying him into submission, apparently it works and he gives them directions to the island. Also that dancing scene is pretty incredible, not because it was in any way sexy, but in the way Brah Fieri reacts to it as if he is watching the single greatest thing in the history of the world. They set sail with the captain and his family, including his hot daughter who is coming on hilariously strong to Brah Fieri despite him being a total imbecile. They arrive at the place and start chumming the water to attract the sharks, which works. But that's not extreme enough for these dudes, oh-no. They cut open their feet to get the sharks that much more interested in them specifically. Now you can really get a sense of the level of intelligence we are dealing with here. They do their thing with some rad surfing shots and some really bad compositing of shark footage. After getting to the beach without getting bit by sharks they notice something big in the water and an explosion of blood and water as the croc eats one of the sharks. They decide to call it a day and they pair off and head into the jungle to bone, except the nice Asian couple. They get eaten by the giant crocodile. Because fuck them apparently. The daughter gets eaten too. Then they start fleeing into jungle from the thing and run directly into a camp of pirate rapists but are saved by the Australian guy from earlier. Unfortunately my favorite character gets eaten around this point and my interest started to go down-hill from here, despite the pace picking up. They spend the rest of the movie trying to kill the croc, but at some point they decide it would be a good idea to crash the boat so they can go back to the trap-infested rapist pirate island because somehow that's safer than just driving the boat back to someplace with a friendly navy. On the way back to the island the obnoxious tv producer gets eaten and no one bats an eye. Now that they are back on the island, which conspicuously now looks like miniature golf course with all the Styrofoam ruins and vines, they can spend the rest of the movie running from the awesomely bad animatronics and trying to figure out how to kill it in a series of adventure cliches including rickety rope bridges, crumbling ruins, and swinging vines. In the end it just kind of falls on a sharp rock and dies. I kind of rushed past through the last two acts, but i don't want to spend all night on this movie. Its a five-movement symphony of stupid, these have to be some of the dumbest characters I have ever seen, and I'm not entirely convinced this was supposed to be a comedy. I kind of expected cartoon sound-effects to go along with all the stupid shit they do in this movie. I went back and started watching it again as I wrote this, its impressive at how dumb it is. About the only thing that would have made this movie dumber was if they were cannibals in grass skirts instead of rapist pirates. I cant help but suggest this movie, although I don't really want to, maybe just to get a second opinion.
Ease the pain and confusion with a Bloody Surfer
.5 oz Midori
.5 oz Blue Curacao
2 oz Grenadine
1 12oz bottle of Smirnoff Ice
Crushed Ice
This drink is as loud and colorful as your shirt, and so sugary it will make you puke on your flip flops. First spike your hair and put on your best Hawaiian shirt, but dont button it brah let the babes see your waxed chest. Fill half a Collins glass with the smirnoff ice and crushed ice, then try to layer the other ingredients in with the grenadine on top, be sure to flip the bottles around like an asshole while you do it. But then fuck it all up and just shake everything up in a Boston shaker and pour it into a tiki glass with an umbrella. Those are cool again apparently. Hopefully now everyone will mistake your stupidity for drunkenness, brah.
Too many sea monster movies yet? The confusing thing about this one is that barely makes any use of probably the main reason to even make a beach monster movie: chicks in bikinis. Doubly weird is that its Roger Corman who is usually not shy about showing us some ladies. Instead the cast is almost entirely dude scientists. Its not bad though, well I mean its still entertaining, and its mercifully short at barely over an hour. It starts off with this crew of people coming ashore to this island, one guy falls out the boat and we get a quick glimpse of one of the crab monsters before they pull his headless corpse out of the water. We don't even know who these people are or what they are doing (except that one of them is the Professor from Gilligan's Island) before one of them gets killed! Corman doesn't like to waste time. They seem to be far less concerned than you would expect by this, and continue on with their mission, although we still have no clue what it is. This one fat french (I think) guy starts talking about how quiet it is there, and says something about talking to the voices of the people that used to be there (foreshadowing). I'll skip ahead to the part where they tell you each one of these guys and the one gal is a scientist in a different field and they are there to study the effects of radioactive fallout left over from an H-bomb test. What a simpler time this was. There was also another team there before them but it has since gone missing. The quickly realize that apart from seagulls and crabs there are no other living animals on the island. Time passes and they start hearing strange sounds at night, and eventually disembodied voices. They start trying to investigate and realize its all coming from giant crab monsters. The rest of the movie follows suit with them trying to survive which means killing the hungry hungry crustacean. The monster effects are awesome and its pretty great how it talks to them with the voices of the dead scientists, mostly trying to mock them. Its a fun little popcorn movie, an almost textbook example of hokey 50's atomic critter flicks.
