Review: Assault of the Sasquatch

Assault of the Sasquatch (2009)

Bigfoot double feature! Wells sort of, meant to squeeze it in yesterday but I had social obligations. This film has way more big foot mischief and murder than The Untold. This is exactly the kind of thing you want from a Bigfoot movie: cheesey, humorous, low-budget, monkey-suit mayhem. It starts off with a group of bear poachers hunting bears for their paws to sell on the black market as aphrodisiacs in China. I liked the guy using a slice of pizza as bait in the trap. Very soon they find something they weren't expecting and the Sasquatch kills off the other poachers. The leader of the trio of poachers is a grizzled old asshole who has some pretty funny lines throughout the movie. After finally tranquilizing the Bigfoot and putting it in the back of his truck he is arrested by park rangers and taken into the city (I believe this is supposed to be in Jersey) to jail. From here we get the b-story about the family of one of the rangers who made the arrest and why he had to leave the city police force. This exposition is cut in between scenes of the Sasquatch escaping the truck and wandering around the city getting into trouble like stealing a drunk guy's pizza and watching a girl shower and stomping her tiny dog. This kind of thing continues for a while until the cops realize there is a Sas' on the loose and also the poacher and another criminal. Everybody is hunting everybody and as folks are knocked off by the Sasquatch eventually it boils down to a final battle between the poacher and the Bigfoot. Its a fun movie, tongue-in-cheek but not quite cartooney. It's low budget for sure, so the acting is forgivable and the Sasquatch suit actually looks pretty decent. This is a fine monster movie, somewhere on the level of the made-for-tv syfy specials but with practical effects.

Review: The Untold (Sasquatch)

The Untold (Sasquatch) 2002

Now I do love me some big foot, but this movie is pretty forgettable. A rescue party is sent out in search of a plane that has gone down in remote forest country of the American Northwest. The survivors have been dragged off and presumably devoured by a sasquatch, but the search party doesn't know that yet. The search party contains your usual mixture of tough-guys and bumbling idiots and bimbos, lead by the father of one of the plane passengers who happens to also own some big bio-tech corporation played by Lance Henriksen (Bishop from Aliens). There is a subplot about him trying to find some prototype DNA reading machine that was in the plane. Most of the movie is the search party bumbling through the woods bitching at each other and the two tough-guy guides slapping each other with their dicks trying out alpha-each other (metaphorically speaking). The sasquatch is at least well hidden from the camera, in an attempt to keep up suspense with a lot of POV shots that make me think he might actually be a Predator... that might be the real reason Henriksen is there, I cant remember what the company he owns is called but it might as well be Weylend corp. I'll admit I barely paid attention to this one, the dialogue and performances are pretty forgettable, and the action doesn't pick up until the 50-minute mark which is pretty slow for a movie only 86 minutes long. Turns out the bigfoot was mad because when the plane crashed it hit a tree which fell on the big foots kid or mate or something. This is not the fun big foot murder-romp you want, they try to play this out as a sort of serious environmental movie about animal rights and family, not that you couldn't make that work, but this attempt falls totally flat.