Frankenstein's Army

Frankenstein's Army

I never quite finished my October horror review fest, but turns out going to Atlantic City can cause a disruption in your normal life. Anyway I'm making my triumphant return with a movie from just last year, something I had been super excited about since I first saw this this trailer (DUBSTEP WARNING). Despite its poor choice of musical accompaniment the trailer is pretty damn impressive, well at least as a showcase for what the movie is all about: crazy Nazi mutant cyborg costumes murdering folk. If that is appealing to you then you know you want to watch this, if it isn't then why are you reading this? 

When i was a kid I was exposed to a lot of WWII history, either through watching old History Channel documentaries, going through my childhood friend's dad's books of pictures of the holocaust, and even having a holocaust survivor come and speak to our 3rd grade class. Yeah that's all pretty heavy for a kid to comprehend, but it did leave an impression on me and Nazi's, especially those using the occult or mad science, are probably my favorite type of bad guy. So I was super excited for this, was a happy with what I got? 

Well yes, mostly. If there was one glaring flaw with this movie, its that it also a found-footage movie. I really ought to do a whole article on the found-footage sub-genre, because its become a fucking stain on the cinema world at this point. And I don't know why, because most people don't like it. In this movie, they did take some steps to explain why its being filmed: we have a soviet cameraman, some sort of propaganda journalist, who is filming (we find this out later) because they are trying to convince this doctor to join the Russians before they kill him and record all his experiments so that if he doesn't then they can try to replicate them later. Somewhat plausible, but the rest of the team, the regular soldiers don't know anything about this, they think they are on a rescue mission for soviet POW's. When they do figure out what is going on they become reasonably upset. And that is basically the entire plot. They explore the compound, get lost, get attacked a lot by amazing and inventive costumes, and get brutalized one-by-one. 

Now there are parts where they did try to create the effect that this was really some lost footage of an absurdly grotesque Nazi experiment, and it eases us into the nightmare by first exploring this seemingly abandoned stand of buildings in war-torn eastern Europe. It is effective at creating atmosphere and the overall story telling isn't bad for what it is but the actual cinematography is pretty bipolar. There is shaky-cam aplenty, and yet all the action is still caught in frame. We see the cameras they are using are period pieces of equipment but they film in modern clarity and color with audio. Its sort of half-assed. If they had stuck to an actual period feel, with that surreal, silent, black and white, low-frame so rate everyone walks to fast feel, it would have actually increased the feeling of authenticity that is indeed found footage from the period. Then they could have pulled a sort of Cannibal Holocaust and had a b-story of people searching for and finding the footage and watching it in a place where some of these things could have still been around. Or they could have just filmed it in a more traditional style, and just had more of a Dog Soldiers deal where a group of grunts just end up in a really bad place behind enemy lines and try to survive. But those are just changes to make the movie something really great, what we have is a pretty damn entertaining piece that fans of practical special effects and red corn syrup are going to dig. 

If there is anything to spoil in this movie, it is not the plot, it is some of the very inventive gags, props, and costume pieces not shown in the trailer. The movie is absolutely worth watching for all of that, if you can find a place to stream it cheap enough. I believe its 3.99 on youtube, more than that per-view may be pushing it. It is likely netflix candidate, keep your eyes open for it because despite its camera work it is a visually impressive movie and in a world where that statement normally means a metric-shitload of cgi bullshit spinning across a variety of lens-flares for three hours, the grimy, dark atmosphere where you literally don't know what kind of insane monster is literally lurking around the next corner is a breath of dankly "fresh" air. 

The FrankenBomb

1 oz Vodka (cheap as possible)

1 oz Jaegermeister

6 oz of Monster Energy Drink

Add the two liquors in a Boston shaker full of ice and hold it like its a camera, now shake it like you are filming a found footage movie. As the dark, foul German liquor combines with the harsh, no-nonsense Russian vodka contemplate how you would be a more efficient drinker with bottle openers or shot glasses for fingers. Strain and pour the shot into a shot glass. Now pour only about six ounces of the disgusting green energy drink into a glass, now drop the shot glass down like a mortar shell and slug back the concoction into your dirty mouth hole, remember to take your gasmask off first. 

Review: The Gorilla

The Gorilla (1939)

This is an incredibly hard movie to review, or easy. Yeah its easy, because its basically a three stooges rip-off about a guy in a gorilla suit who may or may not be murdering people and three bumbling detectives trying to figure out what is going on, and who fail miserably. That's really about it. Don't know what to say. Its only about an hour long

Just take three shots of whiskey and put on another movie...

Sorry this one sucks...I'll make it up to you one day.

Review: Curse of the Demon (Night of the Demon)

Night of the Demon (1957)

A black and white mystery flick about an American psychologist sent to Enlgand to investigate a demonic cult. The last guy to investigate this cult met an untimely end from a mysterious accident. In fact the first thing we get to see is the dude get wasted by a rad demon puppet by dropping some power lines on him and frying him. The American, Dr. John Holden, is very skeptical and basically spends the whole movie denying and trying to explain away the mysterious things the cult leader, Karswell is doing. Karswell doesn't directly do too many evil things, he mostly tries to protect himself. The focus of the movie is on a spell that comes from runes drawn on parchment which kind of works like the black spot in pirate lore. The last person to touch the parchment receives the demon's curse and will be killed by him next. The demon effects are pretty cool, although the youtube upload I watched this on wasn't of the best quality so it was hard to enjoy them too much. The movie almost plays out like a noir, with the fedora wearing detective/psychologist walking around night-time London and English countryside alike chasing clues, leads, and being generally surly about it all. Towards the beginning of the movie Karswell tells Holden that he is cursed and has until the 28th of October (Hey that's when I watched this! How 'bout that?). Holden blows this off like all the other claims of magic at the begenning, but we slowly start to see him change his mind, and as he gets deeper into the occult underworld we see the fear in him grow. Its pretty cool movie with mysteries, magic, and demons.

A good movie for a dark and stormy night

Dark and Stormy
2 oz dark or black rum (Kraken)
1 bottle Ginger Beer (try to find the alcoholic kind, if possible)
lime

Fill a glass with ice, pour on rum, then pour in the ginger beer, squeeze the lime and drop it in. Put on your best black robe and recite the ancient incantation: Asmodeus Baphomet Belial.

Review: Possession (1981)

Possession (1981)

This is not the movie I reviewed earlier this month, although they do have some things in common, like themes of family and divorce. In a way the weirdest part of this movie is the first hour, which is still well grounded in the mundane, its just the over-the-top dramatic responses from everyone and odd behavior coupled with the cinematography. The story starts off with a Sam Neil coming home from some sort of long business trip, which we quickly learn had some sort of clandestine nature. His wife isn't terribly comfortable with him being there, it seems as though they have drifted apart while he was away. Things quickly deteriorate between them and their very young son is caught in the middle. He begins to suspect there is another man, and he is right to think so. Eventually it comes to them splitting up, with much screaming and violence. Its a frantic movie, and the intense acting walks the narrow line between comical and disturbing, often slipping a toe to either side. We are never entirely sure of the mental state of anyone in this movie, except maybe the little boy. He is actually probably the most sane person in the whole movie. Also the movie takes place in divided Berlin during the cold war, which is a very important piece of symbolism. I don't want to describe the plot too much, because I really, really want people to see this movie. The second half is where things get really crazy, although people's tempers get calmer... sort of. I will say that the most important part of this movie is symbolism of division, two halves, pairs, etc. You will pick up on that, but I love the way it is implemented, with the Berlin Wall in the background. I am going to probably post another article breaking down the symbolism of the movie at a later date after I watch it a few more times. The movie remains very engaging, keeping you guessing. I think this movie had me saying "wtf" as much or more than anything else I have watched this month, but in a good way. If you are expecting gore or violence, just stick around until the second half, I promise you wont be disappointed.

Contemplate the nature of duality of the film with a good ol' Black and Tan.

1 Can of Guinness
1 Can of Bass
A Guinness glass
A spoon

Tilt the glass and pour in the Bass first, fill it to half way. Set the glass up straight hold the spoon over the mouth of the glass, upside-down. Pour the Guinness over the upside spoon, slowly. This disperses the Guinness and lets it float on top of the lighter-colored beer. Let it settle, you should have the dark floating above the light. As you drink, muse over the ying and the yang, male and female, light and dark. Try not to freak out either.

Review: Audition

Audition (1999)

Its probably also surprising that I haven't seen this one yet. I have been familiar with it though, so maybe that's why I am a little underwhelmed by it. The classic story of a middle aged man looking for a new life to spark up his life. An awkward proposition enough, but more so in Japan with what I assume is more intricate or at least awkward dating norms. His friend in the movie business suggests a way to get around this by holding auditions for a fake romance movie so he can basically interview all these hopeful, unknown, aspiring actresses. This way he gets to meet a bunch of talented and attractive people and pick who he wants. Clearly you should see where this could turn into a problem. Well he finally settles on this brokenhearted young girl who's younger dreams of being a ballet dancer were smashed by an injury in early adolescence. Also she is kinda creepy. Despite his friends warnings about a hunch about the girl he starts dating her. We get one quick glimpse into her life that shows that something is kinda fucked about here, and we get the probably infamous "bag scene". Already the guy is kind of a creep for dating someone close to his son's age, so I cant feel terribly sympathetic to him. Around the midway point of the movie they go off together for a little trip, and things start to get weird. We see she has some intense scars on her legs, and she asks him to love her and no one else, because that's not a red flag at all. Right as they start to bang there is a very fast cut and now its some time later in the room and she is gone. We aren't supposed to know what has happened. He starts looking for her, checking up on the couple of contacts she mentioned on her resume. We start to suspect there is something pretty fucked up indeed about her indeed. Before he heads home, dejected that his new love has up and left him already, and is probably a basket case, we get a POV shot of someone lurking in his house. He goes home and pours himself a drink, but we already know its been poisoned, now we get a very confusing series of flashbacks that I am still not 100% sure are completely "real" or what order any of it is implied. This is where the movie starts to get interesting finally but now it gets far more confusing too with its very disjointed story telling and disorienting editing. I cant say this is bad, just confusing. We get to see the girls tortured, abused past, and the fucked up shit it has led her to do. Some of it is pretty gross, and it would probably be disturbing for most people to watch. When he snaps out of it he finds that he is paralyzed and she is there. She slowly starts to set up her little torture routine on him, while she monologues about trustworthiness and faithfulness and honesty. Typically crazy bitch stuff. Its also hard to feel sympathetic for her, which sounds harsh, but something about her character comes across as really in-genuine to begin with. The torture scene is terribly graphic, but my standards at least, but I will say its well done. The best scene in the movie is at the very end, where she is laying there on the floor staring at him, also paralyzed after falling down the stairs and breaking her neck, and she continues her monologue again with her neck bone jutting up from the side. The general idea is clearly that she was so abused as a child that she turned into a monster who tortures and kills men in a form of revenge, or some way of making up for her mistreatment, basically. I cant help but feel that this movie expresses some fear of Japanese men in making developing relationships. There is some kind of theme of disconnect between the sexes, but I am not entirely sure what the point the movie is trying to make. I cant say that the movie is incompetent, but it wasn't very enjoyable for me or even really that scary. I found it had a lack of atmosphere and it really built more confusion and maybe awkwardness for me than tension.

Why not enjoy an awkward movie with a Shochu Schoolgirl?

3 oz Shochu (Japanese Barley liquor, you could use sake or plum wine I guess if you cant find any)
3 oz Midori
lemon juice

Pour the booze into a tall glass with ice and squeeze of fresh lemon juice, stir with an acupuncture needle skewered through a lemon wedge and a cherry for garnish. Optionally you could serve it in a dog bowl...

Review: Resolution

Resolution (2012)

I'm very happy I finally got to watch this movie. I had heard about it when it came out but couldn't find it at first, and then forgot the title but had kept my interest so it was even harder to find. When I asked people about "that movie where that guy chains up his friend to detox him off meth and a bunch of weird shit happens to them" no one had a clue what I was talking about. This is that movie, and that is basically the plot. The one character receives a map and a video of his friend smoking meth and shooting guns and acting kind of crazy. He decides to go out there to help him, to try to bring him to rehab one last time. When he refuses to go he decides that his last chance is to chain him up and let him sweat it out. But it wont be that easy when all the other weird people show up and weird stuff starts to happen. As the friend from the city starts exploring the area he starts finding lots of strange things: records, film, pictures, of people doing things that he assumes are stories and some of themselves. I cant give too much away, but its a tight and engaging psychological thriller with a lot to say about friendship and depression. While there is some heavy shit going on it remains thoroughly watchable between the mystery going on and the hope for the happy ending. Vinny Curran also brings a certain amount of humor to his role as the junkie to keep things from getting too heavy, while remaining convincing and sympathetic. Like I said, I cant go over this too much without spoiling things, but I want people to watch it so I talk about it. I will be watching this one again, I could tell there were detail I missed. I feel like it probably took some inspiration from the mystery alternate reality game web series' that were popular a few years ago, like Marble Hornets. If you want a smart movie that will keep you guessing until the end, I really suggest this one.

I feel like this movie needs something to keep you awake, acute and aware, like, uh...

Lucid Lucy

2 oz Absinthe
1 oz Rumple minze
1 oz Goldschlager
red bull

Shake up the liquor and pour into a highball glass with ice, then fill with red bull. A sort of take on a Ball and Chain but amped-up and with absinthe instead of Jagermeister. Probably a pretty dangerous cocktail and I wouldn't suggest more than one.

Review: Red State

Red State (2011)

First off, don't make the assumption I did that this is about communists and possibly a cheap version of Red Dawn. It has nothing to do with that by "red state" they mean ultra-conservative. Had I actually momentarily paused on its netflix profile to see that Kevin Smith wrote and directed it I would have watched it much earlier.This is an incredibly difficult movie to review, and kind of a difficult movie to watch but its rewarding. The movie starts off focused on a couple of high school kids, and we get introduced to the antagonists, a cult-like group of religious fundamentalists modeled on the Westero Baptist church. The kids in the class are discussing how this group was protesting the funeral of a gay student who was found killed recently. The main three kids in the movie break for lunch and start talking about this website for casual sexual encounters. All the pictures of the girls on the website have their faces censored out with smiley faces so we aren't sure about who they are about to go fuck. They head out to go do this borrowing one of their parents' cars and accidentally hit another car on the way. This mostly serves to start upping the tension. Finally they get to the address and see that the woman they were about to triple-up on is a bit older than they expected, like approximately their mothers' age. I don't want to give away too much from here, but the real movie starts rolling from about here on. The next thirty minutes are some of the most tense, uncomfortable, and enraging that I have experienced watching a movie. I don't really want to describe everything that happens in too much detail, but the focus of the movie shifts to the members of the crazy church. Michael Parks does an incredible job at playing the leader of the church, and gives a long sermon filled with the kind of crazed, backward, ignorant, homophobic bullshit that is incredibly effective because you know somewhere out there are a lot of people who think that way. Meanwhile these high school kids are trapped there terrified by whats about to happen to them. The things they say in this made me uncomfortable in a way I don't necessarily want my entertainment to make me uncomfortable, but I kind of have to applaud the movie for doing it. I have to give credit to Kevin Smith's writing as well. At about the point where I was thinking of turning the movie off John Goodman comes in to save us all from breaking things to release the frustrated anger. He's sent in as an ATF agent to lead a raid on the church compound because they have a ton of guns and they shot a cop earlier. He isn't quite the shining hero, as he is under dubious government orders. Before I get even deeper into spoiler territory, because I really think you should watch this, let me start to wrap this up.

Red State definitely preys on several topical themes that are very well utilized to push peoples buttons. It is incredibly tense and borders on disturbing because of its realism. Its such a well put together movie that I have to recommend it, but I cant say it will be a very fun ride for most of it. As for the drink recommendation I had a couple ideas, either a gay themed drink to spite the antagonists of the movie or something playing on its ultra-conservative crazy pantsedness. I decided to just use a classic,

The Jim Jones
1 oz Vodka
1/2 oz Blue Curacao
1/2 oz Peach Schnapps
1/2 oz Sour Apple Schnapps
1/2 oz Razzmatazz
splash sprite
splash sour mix

Shake with ice, pour into a glass, or dixie cup. Drink the Kool Aid. You will probably need more than one to temper the outrage.